Eat your data

Eating your data is one of the best ways to keep it from ending up in the wrong hands. There are several ways you can do this. You can cook your data and season it to your preference, or you can have data tartar.

Put your data in the cloud

Lots of people talk about "cloud storage” nowadays, but rarely do they get it right. See that big fluffy one up there? Here’s a crossbow. Tie your data to an arrow and shoot it straight into the cloud; it’s unhackable.

Abandon your data at a grocery store

Sometimes if you really care about something, like your data, it’s best to realize maybe you’re not the best person to take care of it, and let it go completely.

Put your data in an old tube sock

Everyone has an old tube sock, but few people appreciate their potential for data security. If it’s good enough for Grandma’s life savings, it’s definitely good enough to conceal your digital footprint.

Put a fake mustache on your data

One of the most effective tools in cyber security is a pair of Groucho Marx glasses. Put these on your data, and hackers won’t know what they’re even looking at.

Teach your data how to protect itself

You’re probably babying your data; it’s time to toughen it up a bit. Start off by watching UFC fights with your data, and — when it’s ready — sign it up for martial arts lessons.

Poison your data

This is a last resort, straight out of the Cersei Lannister playbook. If your feel your data may be compromised, slip it a little poison and sing it a lullaby as it slowly drifts into the next world. It’s important to remember that going with this option doesn’t mean you’re bad at cyber security, it just means you’d do whatever it takes to keep your data from falling into the wrong hands.

Bury your data

Squirrels forget where most of their nuts are buried, and eventually those nuts become trees. Grab your data, along with some acorns, and start digging. If you’re lucky, your data will remain underground, safe from hackers who neurotically dig holes in your backyard trying to access it.

Don’t make any data

This one takes dedication, so only try it if you’re very serious about cyber security. You’re going to want to wander into the woods shortly after being born, before they have time to print a birth certificate and issue you a social security number. Remain there for the rest of your days, data breach-free.