Friends! Comrades! The revolution is upon us! No longer will we suffer under the yoke of those who deem to destroy us! Americans from coast to coast are struggling. Parents in Texas can’t afford rising college tuition prices. Elderly veterans in Colorado struggle to pay for their insulin. And I, Blake Wilshire, and my fellow 1%-ers, cannot access our trust funds until we are 21.
I had always heard rumors about income inequality, but it wasn’t until I learned that our housekeeper wasn’t actually working for us to study a role for a play but instead to feed her family, that my eyes were truly opened. Rita was so worried and sad about how she would pay the rent for the one-bedroom she shared with her three kids. It was similar to the sadness I experienced after Father refused to fund my new start-up streaming service that only played Jason Bateman movies.
Life is full of injustices!
Is it fair that our dads are in the Forbes 100 when we are only in the Forbes 150? Like many other millennials, I do not expect to be as successful as my father. He built a new bowling alley in his yacht and I realized that I would never be able to do the same on my meager allowance, which only allows me to build a bowling alley in my basement.
It is also an outrage how our fathers have depleted the planet’s resources, leaving us with nothing to deplete ourselves. I will never know what it’s like to oversee the pillage of minerals from a small country. My children will never watch an Amazonian rainforest be set on fire to make way for a Buca Di Beppo’s. We cannot change the past, but the least they can do is give us our trust funds! Will the injustice of the 0.1% never cease?!
This greedy mentality is what leads to Americans working three jobs in this punitive a gig economy. They drive all day for Lyft and deliver for Postmates, and thus don’t have time to work on my revolutionary new self-care app, FootRbb, which is like Lyft and Postmates — but for foot rubs. No one can look at my situation and not go, “Damn, capitalism makes it really hard to be a young entrepreneur!”
With greater income, we could be giving to charities, like my friend John’s Kickstarter to create a McNugget that doesn’t give him diarrhea, or to my cousin Jenny, who could only afford the nation’s third-best defense attorney after getting a DUI. We can make a better life for the people who work for us. Unlike our mean dads, we care about our workers. For example, I promised our nanny, Sveta, that after I get Father’s money I will build her an ice sculpture of the family she left behind in Malta.
A new day is upon us! Soon college wings will be named after us — not our dads! It will be Yale’s Blake H. Wilshire III Science and Technology Wing, not The Blake H. Wilshire II Science and Technology Wing! As I stated, we will dominate the Forbes 100! We will cheat on our spouses with our secretaries with twice the gusto our dads ever did!
Fathers! Your time is up!
Now, will you join us in overthrowing our daddies? We will behead our daddies in the square. We will whisper, “We are sorry we are doing this to you, daddies. We love you, but the economic inequality between the 1% and the .1% is nigh.” Then, when we win… when we’re the .1%… we will rise against the 0.01%! The grandpas! The men who gave our daddies the trust funds… aka, the means of production!
We know it will not be easy saying goodbye to your daddy, but the revolution isn’t about just one daddy; it is about many daddies and their money. Just as Karl Marx dictated in Das Kapital, probably.
It is time to reallocate the wealth, Americans! It is time to turn the 1%, the 99% of the 0.1%, into the 0.1%, which is the 1% of the 100%!