“I agree with you one thousand percent. We’re all on the same page, gang.” — Senator Joe Manchin, from the top of his yacht yesterday, responding to West Virginians asking if he plans on taxing the rich. (9/30/2021)

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“You’re all completely correct that we need to be taxing the rich now more than ever,” I say as I sail off on my sixty-foot yacht.

“These corporate fat cats just can’t keep getting away with this!” I shout from the bathing platform of my half-million-dollar boat, confident that in a few minutes, I’ll be out of your sight forever.

“But we can’t just spend a huge amount of money on fighting poverty and climate change,” I announce over the loudspeakers of the schooner I spent a tremendous amount of money on.

“You see, I want what’s best for you because I’m one of you!” I scream from the leather couch in the guest bedroom of my luxury catamaran.

“The only reason I’m holding up the vote to do everything you’re asking for is because I’m a very frugal man!” I howl from the slightly smaller yacht that sits on top of my bigger yacht.

“I’m just not comfortable spending more money than needs to be spent!” I cry out from the hot stone spa I installed on my skiff last year when I cashed out a bunch of biopharma stock.

“You can trust me, I’m a fully transparent man!” I wheeze, puffing on a pack of expensive cigars I bought with my personal congressional spending.

“I won’t let America be bought, because I’m sure not!” I wail over the sound of the latest marine diesel engine gifted to me by the natural gas lobby.

“Because I love America!” I screech as my opulent ship crosses into international waters on its way to a tax haven I use, as you and the shoreline disappear from my view.