We get it. Men are overly emotional. Just look at Alex Jones and Donald Trump. Ok, don’t. But the point stands. Your reaction to a perceived threat of the Penis Legislation Act being overturned is overwrought and hysterical.

Yes, female politicians have been promising to overturn the Penis Legislation Act since is was enacted. And sure, the Vice President has vowed to send the Penis Legislation Act to the “ash heap of history.” And fine, I concede that even the President has said she will overturn the Penis Legislation Act, which is so strange since she has clearly made use of it multiple times in the past.

Still. Why do men have to be so loud and disruptive? The Penis Legislation Act is established and totally safe from being overturned, even though so many powerful women keep promising to get rid of it and seem to have no compunction about taking away men’s rights over their own penises.

Just consider how the latest SCOTUS nominee was chosen. A small group of women who are famously hostile to the Penis Legislation Act carefully selected the best possible candidates. One of the women, who is especially committed to overturning the Penis Legislation Act, was an advisor to the President on this weighty decision. And now the nominee, an affable soccer mom, has refused to commit to upholding the Penis Legislation Act and secret emails reveal that she doesn’t believe The Penis Legislation Act is even settled law. Does that sound like The Penis Legislation Act is in peril? Calm down, gentlemen! Smile!

While you’re smiling (you look so pretty when you smile!) why not consider, for a moment, that men might not actually know what’s best for their penises? What with their hormonal emotions and everything, might it be possible that we women should make the relevant decisions about men’s health, particularly those that are penile-related? When you really think about our track record of valuing male life, the answer is clear. You can totally trust us to decide for you.

And while you stay silent as I explain some things (you look so pretty when you don’t talk!), we should remember that the role of government is not to control our bodies, and that rule only applies to one gender so it’s cool.

Most Americans support the Penis Legislation Act, even a few women. And did you know that among those who are actually in power, the reverse is true? As the famous Abraham Lincoln quote goes, “government of the people, by the people, for the people, but only for the gender that’s grossly overrepresented in government”?

Would it make you feel better to know that the women politicians who constantly promise to overturn the Penis Legislation Act have ignored their own principles when it suits them and lied about it? No?

Plenty of people understand that too many men lost their lives before The Penis Legislation Act, and they’re laboring tirelessly to protect their own penises just in case it’s overturned. The fact that they even have to do this in 2018 shouldn’t make you angry at all.

So buck up, lads! Trust women. Trust your government which was not elected by a majority of people but which should be entitled to control your penises. Trust our president who has bragged about grabbing penises. America will be great again once you lose control over your penises. And stop getting so hysterical about it. You don’t look pretty when you’re hysterical.