Pardon me, just need a few more buckets of cottage cheese, and I’ll get out of your way. What’s that? This? Oh, just my three-month-old daughter I occasionally strap to my chest while running errands. Yes. Yes, I know. I’m amazing.

Nope. Mom stayed home. Probably caring for our other children, catching up on sleep, icing her nipples—you know moms, always doing mom stuff.

But me, I’m shopping at Costco with a baby snuggling on my chest, and wow, don’t we have our super cute shit together? I mean, seriously, how many other dads would take responsibility for their baby while also acquiring essential household items? How many other dads would risk having to change a diaper in public? How many other dads can use a baby carrier without getting their penis caught in the straps? Not many.

Selfie? With my daughter and me? Aw, heck… why not?!

Hey, maybe that mom over there with two young kids and a baby strapped to her chest could take the pictures for us. I know, I barely noticed her either.

Wait a second. Did she not bother putting on makeup this morning? Is she looking at a shopping list on her phone while letting her kids display age-appropriate behavior in public? Are those inorganic bananas in her cart? Despicable.

We better not bother her, she’s making this parenting thing look pretty difficult. Not me, though. I’ve got both my shoes tied, and—let me check—my baby is still alive. What else could you ask for from a dad?

More selfies? Can’t stop now! Line forms to the right, gang. Yup, toward the Raisin Bran.

Whoa, easy Costco shoppers. I’m just a regular guy who likes to buy cheap chicken, eighty-inch televisions, and eight-day Caribbean cruises from the same store. Just because I’m toting around a sleeping ten-pounder doesn’t mean I’m—wait a second—did I just kiss my baby on the top of her furry little head? Did you just let out an audible sigh of delight while clutching a five-pound tube of breakfast sausage? You tell me!

Uh-oh, looks like that mom is headed for the last rotisserie chicken. Quick, slow her down with unsolicited advice so I can beat her to that tasty bird!

Hell yes, I can push my cart against traffic! I’m a dad with a baby on his chest!

Phew, close one. What was I saying? Oh yeah, I’m no superhero. I’m just your average parent who puts his baby carrier on one strap at a time like everyone else. The only difference is once I drop my baby in the front I immediately exceed the low expectations of what Costco shoppers expect from a father and—bam—I’m the best dad in the universe!

Welp, look at the time. I better cut to the front of the checkout line and get this baby home. I’ll tell you what, I really like the way you’ve been admiring me and we have a few minutes to kill while those selfies get printed. What say we grab a chicken bake, and I’ll tell you about that time I rearranged my entire day to take my older son to a regularly scheduled dental exam.

No? Slice of pizza and a potty-training story?

Not even a churro?

I understand—I can be overwhelming sometimes.