Good morning, Mountain Lions,

This is your principal speaking, with your weekly West Valley High COVID-19 health update. First of all, I want to thank everyone for their continued cooperation as we navigate this unprecedented school year. I know it hasn’t been easy, but I’m confident that when we put our minds and our claws to it, we can accomplish anything.

I am happy to report that, thanks to your efforts, there have been no new COVID cases on campus for the third week in a row. Great job, everyone! Give yourselves a big pat on the back. Now, with that being said, I am less happy to report that, once again, we have witnessed an alarming increase in the number of student injuries due to school fights, including four broken ribs, two dislocated jaws, a ruptured spleen, and several concussions, ranging from mild to severe.

As encouraging as these COVID results are, there is always room for improvement. For instance, I’ve noticed that some students have been wearing their masks improperly. I can’t stress enough how important it is to cover your mouth and nose at all times. I’ve also noticed that a significant portion of the student population has taken up karate in the past few months, and has begun using their newly acquired martial arts skills at the slightest provocation, such as when someone cuts in front of them at the water fountain, or if someone gives them a look in the hallway.

We could also be doing a better job of social distancing, especially in the cafeteria and around the main lobby. I know you want to hang out with your friends and discuss the latest karate moves, such as the Yama Zuki double-fisted strike or the Tobi Hiza Geri jumping knee kick, but please try to stay at least six feet apart. Lastly, and I’m stunned that I still have to say this, but let’s please try to keep the school-wide battle royales to a minimum. It’s difficult to maintain a safe distance when you’re engaging in hand-to-hand combat with your fellow classmates.

Furthermore, there are several students who have outright refused to adhere to any of the safety guidelines laid out by the school board, and when confronted, they repeatedly insist that “Cobra Kai never dies.” I’ve got news for you: This virus does not discriminate between karate dojos, no matter how invincible you may think you are. And I’ll tell you something else that strikes first, strikes hard, and shows no mercy: myocarditis, or inflammation of the heart muscle, which is believed to be one of the many long-term effects of COVID-19. So, please, for your sake and everyone else’s, wear a mask, and stop trying to intimidate other students — as well as teachers and principals — by engaging in staredowns with your face less than an inch away from theirs. That’s a surefire way to transmit the virus.

Our goal at the beginning of the school year was to stay below a 1% infection rate. So far we’ve been able to accomplish that. What we didn’t anticipate, however, was that more than 30% of the student body would begin devoting nearly every second of their non-academic lives to studying the art of karate, leading to what can only be described as an outbreak of well-choreographed violence not only on our school grounds, but also throughout the greater San Fernando Valley area.

Normally I would report such activity to the police, but I’m worried that the sheer number of incidents that have taken place under my watch will reflect poorly on me, especially since I have an evaluation coming up. So instead, we’re going to continue to handle this “in-house,” so to speak, by handing out detentions and stern warnings, which, I’ll admit, don’t seem to be working. But what other option do I have? Things have gotten so out of control that most days I don’t leave my office out of fear that I will be struck in the head by an errant roundhouse kick. You’ve likely noticed that, in addition to masks and gloves, most teachers’ personal protective equipment now includes full sparring gear.

In conclusion, keep up the good work on the COVID front, but let’s maybe try to cut down on the full-fledged assaults on one another.

This has been your principal.