Hello! I’m sorry to say — you’ve died. The good news is you were a Pomeranian with over 100,000 followers on Instagram and a sponsorship from a beef slaughterhouse.
Thus, you’ve been blessed to drift through eternity in the canine paradise that is Dog Influencer Heaven.
Gaze across Elysium. This is your new home. You selflessly spent your life being crammed into watermelon costumes so adult humans could fantasize about owning a dog. That’s why we’ve crafted this afterlife to give you the pleasures you never experienced on Earth.
First and foremost, you will never hear the words “doggo” or “floofer.”
You’ll also be able to eat meat and fuck.
Two massive improvements right off the bat.
Our heaven is divided into three wondrous sections. Right now, we’re in the Carcass Section. You can tell because of all the carcasses.
Instead of feeding you vegan kale chips like on Earth, we just slop a bucket of animal guts together and hurl it into a pit.
Look at Jiffpom over there, making a meal out of a woodchuck rectum. Drenched head to toe in blood. He’s ravenous and adorable. Like, if a teddy bear came to life and ate woodchuck rectums 24/7.
I’m sure you two will be the best of friends.
There are tons of famous dogs for you to play with here. Like Doug the Pug, Loki the Wolfdog, Mannie the Frenchie, Crusoe the Dachshund, and hundreds of other pups whose owners ripped-off from the same keyword optimization guide.
Let’s head to the next divine wing.
On Earth, you were presented as a sexless being so adult humans could pretend dogs don’t have genitals. But here in Dog Influencer Heaven, whenever you feel the urge, you can head to the Hound Orgy fields and hump the day away.
It’s jam-packed with something for every sexually-repressed influencer pup. Ratty blankets, slimy pillows, and giant, stuffed carnival prizes with both eyes ripped out.
You can see Jiffpom over there just absolutely going to town on a stuffed Goofy Doll. His heavy, sexually repressed grunts echoing through the fields.
Aw. He’s so happy. That’s what it’s all about.
You may be worried about your owners because they had no discernible skills other than owning a dog. Don’t be! Sure, it took them a week or so to monetize your passing. But now they’re peddling clay death masks of your face and raking it in more than ever.
Okay, now I can see you frothing at the bit.
But I still have one last section to show you — and it’s my personal favorite.
Shhh. It’s the sleeping fields. Where dogs who were forced awake to take sunrise hiking pics every morning can slumber. They’re just so adorable. Like little sleeping angels.
See Jiffpom resting there? He looks so peaceful. Almost makes you forget he’s a blood-thirsty, fucking machine.
Well, that’s it. You’re free to enjoy eternity.
Oh, one last thing before I forget. In case you’re curious, there is a dog influencer hell — but it’s exactly the same as Earth.
Okay! Go get boning!