Greetings, weary traveler. You must be tired after your long, arduous journey into our remote and isolated corner of the rainforest. Please, take this glass of tepid, undrinkable tap water and drop your bag next to that pile of monkey skeletons. Rest easy, my friend, for you have arrived at your destination.

Welcome to our shitty eco-hotel.

Here on our filthy and unkempt grounds you will have the unique privilege of paying vast sums of money for the authentic experience of living in relative squalor while enjoying close encounters with all of the marvelous flora and fauna our delicate rainforest ecosystem has to offer, not to mention several parasitic microbes and incurable deadly viruses endemic to this region.

Our twelve spacious and ramshackle villas are maddeningly spread out across 80 sprawling acres of old growth forest with little or no signage, and our property is nestled snugly between an active volcano and an even more active poultry processing facility. Each morning you will rise at dawn, just as nature intended: to the gentle sounds of the forest along with the panicked clucking of hundreds of chickens as they are mechanically slaughtered, rendered, and ground into a fine powder for the pet food industry.

You will be staying in our Canopy Suite, a 95-square-foot jungle oasis where you will take in breathtaking panoramic views of the rainforest through a gaping hole in the wall left by a recent mudslide. Enjoy a front row seat to the action as birds, monkeys, and rodents enjoy unfettered access to your cabin, soiling all of your personal belongings and exposing you to horrifying diseases due to our sheer negligence. Or simply recline on your mildew-stained mattress and watch the bugs slide down the walls due to a severe insect infestation that we have completely failed to address.

All of our villas come standard with kitchenettes, deluxe private baths, and the imminent threat of being torn apart by a hungry jaguar. Luxuriate in the comfort of your own private deck, perfect for sipping cocktails and gazing up at the stars, or staring out into the inky blackness of an uncaring, unforgiving jungle gripped by complete and utter panic while howler monkeys grunt threateningly in the distance. How close are they, exactly? Are they angry or violently sexually aroused? These are the mysteries of the ancient forest.

Imagine waking up to the magnificent morning call of the elusive resplendent quetzal. You open your eyes and there she is, perched menacingly on the nightstand. You take a deep breath as she puffs out her chest and regurgitates a pile of partially-digested poisonous spiders. Ahhh. Moments like these are what our shitty eco-hotel is all about.

But it’s not all about nature. Here at our shitty eco-hotel, we provide you with all the comforts of the modern world while minimizing our impact on the environment. We don’t offer amenities that could be potentially damaging like running water, electricity, or doors that you can actually close and lock. It’s the same reason the walls in our lodge are crudely fashioned out of upcycled truck tarps and the linens on your bed are nothing more than soiled burlap coffee sacks we found in a ditch: We’re doing everything we can to preserve our fragile ecosystem.

Of course, no stay at our shitty eco-hotel would be complete without a visit to our shitty wellness center. A 90-minute deep tissue massage from one of our poorly-trained staff members is sure to exacerbate any pain or tension you may already be experiencing, and our signature Himalayan Salt Detox is sure to be administered without any thought or care despite its hefty price tag. We also offer treatments that we made up just now — like Ultrasonic BioCentering and Ayurvedic Denervification — and yoga classes taught by a mumbling drifter we found at the beach. All offered within an unrelaxing, unsanitary environment that smells distinctly of raw sewage. Is that a cutting-edge aromatherapy treatment or a damaged septic tank we still haven’t gotten around to fixing? Relax! You’re on vacation!

Well, I’ve talked enough — I’m sure you’re eager to get to your room. Unfortunately, that will require a harrowing trek through an unmarked stretch of thick underbrush filled with aggressive and deadly pit vipers. We hope you remembered to bring your machete and antivenom! If not we’d be happy to loan them to you for an exorbitant daily rental fee, of course. Just say the word and we’ll charge it to your credit card. What did you say your credit limit was again?

Thank you so much for staying at our shitty eco-hotel. We hope you enjoy your stay, and on the off chance that you happen to survive it, we kindly ask that you remember to please leave us five stars on TripAdvisor.