SHIPPED: Your Amazon Order of GaiaGulp Earth-Friendly Metal Straws and EcoGO Reusable Shopping Bags is on its way to you in Chicago. You’ve opted to forgo expedited shipping and have your items packaged together. This reduces your order’s carbon footprint by drastically cutting down on fuel emissions during delivery. Thank you for doing your part to help our planet!
UPDATE: We’re sorry, but we’re experiencing carrier delays here at our Midwest hub. To ensure timely delivery, we’re rerouting your shipment.
UPDATE: Your package has arrived as expected at the Cape of Good Hope. Unfortunately, your box was apparently one pound too heavy for the carrier aircraft, which experienced a massive mechanical failure, resulting in a geyser of jet fuel raining down on a nearby bird sanctuary. Please stand by for further updates.
MESSAGE RECEIVED: You replied, “CANCEL ORDER.” We have received both of these requests. We will now CANCEL our plans to clean up the bird sanctuary and ORDER you more straws and reusable bags.
UPDATE: Your products are no longer available in the continental US. As a courtesy, we’ve tracked down a third-party vendor with the items in stock. We’ll inform you when the shipment leaves the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.
UPDATE: Further delays are expected. The North Korean biplane set to carry your package runs only on leaded gasoline, which is difficult for the nation to acquire due to longstanding trade sanctions. Not to worry, though—the fuel is being smuggled in from nearby Laos via a convoy of decommissioned military vehicles called seogtangkeu, which roughly translates to “coal tank.”
MESSAGE RECEIVED: You replied, “CANCEL CANCEL CANCEL CANCEL CANCEL.” Our automated system could not process this request. Your message will therefore be hand-delivered via Uber to our Customer Request Processing facility in Key West, Florida. Rest assured that your message will not be lost; we printed several hundred backup copies.
COURIER TRANSFER: The Uber that was set to transport your cancel message showed up looking pretty beat up, and it smelled like mustard. We canceled it and are transferring the courier contract to a local driver. His jacked-up diesel Dodge Ram appears much more reliable and tough (though it’s hard to get a really good look through the black smoke billowing from the tailpipe).
UPDATE: The biplane carrying your order successfully left North Korea and is en route to the next destination, but the hatch malfunctioned mid-flight, and one of your metal straws fell into a dense jungle. It’s not all bad news, though. Within hours, a local bonobo population worked out how to use the straw for things like foraging, grooming, and war. This has resulted in rapid cultural and technological advancement—the monkeys are now fully civilized, have harnessed the power of fossil fuels, and are manufacturing metal straws by the thousands. And Amazon is happy to announce that, as part of our ongoing commitment to the environment, we are now subcontracting with BonoboCorp.
MESSAGE RECEIVED: You replied, “OMG, CANCEL MY GODDAMN ORDER. I’VE CALLED LIKE 50 TIMES, AND NO ONE PICKS UP. WTF IS GOING ON?!” Sorry, but we’re in too deep at this point. We have to see it through. It’s become sort of a personal growth thing.
SAD: The leader of the dog sled team carrying your package across the Arctic Tundra has passed away. Please know that (1) this has only strengthened our resolve to deliver your order, and (2) Yuku received a traditional Arctic animal companion burial: we floated him out to sea on an ice floe and set it on fire. However, our burial rite unleashed a hitherto unknown virus from the frozen soil. As you’ve surely heard by now, the microbe is spreading across the globe with a swiftness that has shocked even the most jaded virologists. This means your package will be further delayed. In the meantime, be sure to take advantage of our sale on KN-95 masks.
UPDATE: Due to what environmental scientists are now calling the “Global Primate Industrial Revolution,” sea levels have risen high enough to open a maritime transport route directly to your front door. Expect your package to arrive via cargo ship within two weeks.
DELIVERY: We attempted to deliver your package, but you were not home. No worries, we’ll return it to the warehouse and reship it. Thanks for shopping with Amazon!