Polar Vest
This down-filled vest is super soft and is guaranteed to keep kids warm and toasty. Your tween will flat-out refuse to wear it for no apparent reason other than “I just don’t like it,” even though it comes in what used to be her favorite color but apparently isn’t anymore.
Mountain Fleece Pants
These fleece-lined pants will keep the chill away on cold days. Unfortunately, your tween boy will opt for shorts even when it’s thirty degrees with a “real feel” temperature of twenty-four degrees.
Cozy Scarf
You might as well take your money and set it on fire because scarves are “cringe.”
Guns N’ Roses T-shirt
Your tween will wear this T-shirt but will not discuss Appetite for Destruction with you and will not entertain the idea that people who wear band shirts without listening to the actual bands are “posers.”
Chill-Away Parka
You’ll spend a small fortune on a warm coat for your child (forgoing a new coat for yourself, even though you really want one). Your child will repay you by shoving this brand-new parka into the back of the closet. You will eventually find it unworn, but with the tags cut off so you can’t return it.
Colorblock Quarter-Zip Pullover
What a cute pullover. It seems like just yesterday, you dressed your kid up to look like a tiny bear, but now he does not want to be “cute.” He only wants to wear clothing that someone in the NFL, NBA, or MLB could wear.
Packable Rain Jacket
Why should your tween wear a rain jacket when they can call you and ask for a ride home when it’s raining? It’s not like you were trying to get work done or make dinner or anything.
Waterproof Gloves
Keep hands warm—and snow and rain out—with these gloves that your child will wear only once, because one glove will immediately be lost. Your child will not visit the lost and found at school in an attempt to locate them, despite your many urgings. It’s not there, he just knows it isn’t, so don’t even bother asking.
Wool Beanie
This warm hat is stylish and practical, but your twelve-year-old will say, “I don’t need a hat,” even when they are shivering in the cold.
Graphic T-Shirt
This T-shirt fits, doesn’t have holes in it, and isn’t stained. Your tween will “forget” about it.
Joggers
Get ready for your tween to roll his eyes at you when you say, “We used to call these ‘sweatpants’ when I was a kid, and nobody paid more than ten dollars for them.”
Jeans
Ugh, no, absolutely not, no way, never. They are “leg prisons.”
Refillable Water Bottle
Your tween actually would use this, but it costs forty dollars, and you’re not paying that much for a water bottle.
Flannel Shirt
Tweens will wear Nirvana shirts but not flannel shirts. Go figure.
Adventure Hiking Boots
You have not succeeded in becoming the type of parent who goes hiking with their kids regularly. These boots can remind you of your failure while they sit on the shelf in your front hall closet, unused.
Stained, Torn, and Oversized Hoodie
This is the item your tween will wear again and again. It pairs perfectly with shorts and no jacket. It will be worn multiple times a week. If you dare to wash it, your tween will sulk until it’s returned to its rightful place: crumpled up on the floor until its next wearing.