“I suffer from depression too, and at one point I wanted to quit Amazon. But I realized it was my fault for the problems I was dealing with, and not Amazon’s. I’m allowed to talk to people, but sometimes I don’t want to. Now I have some great coworkers to pass the nights with.” — Hannah, Amazon FC Ambassador

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Hello, my name is Amazon Cog #257, but my friends call me “A.C.” I love my job at Amazon and I hope to answer any questions you may have regarding the working conditions of my Amazon Fulfillment Center otherwise referred to as Home. I am permitted to leave Home once my shift has ended, but my electric collar shocks me if I go 50 feet away from Home, so it is easier to sleep on the twin-sized cots Mr. Bezos graciously provides us.

I am what we at Amazon call a “night owl” and “early worm.” I clock-in around 10 PM and work until 10 AM. My second shift starts at noon and goes until midnight. The overlap is A-OK because I learned how to multi-task and ignore both backaches and feet pain. I enjoy my two-hour break. I use my break to stare at myself in the mirror and take mandatory selfies at an Amazon Kiosk. Sometimes I goof off and make funny faces. Selfies are mandatory fun and how Mr. Bezos tracks the survival rate of each fulfillment center.

The best part of working at Home is my coworkers. They are like a family to me. I have not seen my blood-family in nearly three years, but it is okay because Amazon legally adopted me to avoid labor laws. Jeff Bezos is papa now. We exchange correspondences on occasion, typically when we are not performing at the most optimal level. Papa gets angry very easily, so it’s easier to perform with superhuman efficiency.

It isn’t all work, I like to have fun too. My Amazon Family and I play games like “Who Is Top Picker.” It is simple — whoever picks packages fastest wins. The loser is tied to large ceiling fan on the highest speed. Mr. Bezos believes this is a way to increase quickness. Once Amazon Cog #882 (“Carl”) lost a game and was tied to fan, but his weight was too much. Many packages left Home that day with pieces of Carl. After the incident, Mr. Bezos said Carl liked to travel, so it’s A-OK.

Our Home is a very diverse and open place. We’ve never turned anyone away due to their race, sex, ethnicity, or religious beliefs. We prevent family members from attacking each other by enforcing a uniform of black jumpsuits and balaclavas. Sometimes when there isn’t much to pick, we turn the lights off and pretend we are the darkness. We lie on the floor, close our eyes, and stay completely silent. For a moment, Amazon Family is nothing and everything all at once. Universe pulses through our motionless bodies. We transcend.

Please do not tell Mr. Bezos about the darkness game. He does not like us using our imaginations.

I hope I was able to dispute any negative rumors about my Amazon Family. The three main takeaways you should have gotten is that Amazon is a fun, inclusive, and very ethical company. If you don’t think so, Mr. Bezos says that’s A-OK. You will see for yourself one day. It’s only a matter of time. Until then, we’ll be watching you on Amazon.com.