1. Clean the kitchen island with a disinfectant because that’s probably the first place you’ll have sex after returning from dropping off your last kid at college in a cinderblock dorm room with the roommate yelling at his Xbox. Granite can be cold even in early September, so consider putting down a dishtowel. Going forward, only use green products on surfaces where you will be intimate, as harsh chemicals can be irritating to the delicate skin of the buttocks.
2. Vacuum the staircase well, as you’ll regularly struggle to make it to the bedroom without tearing each other’s clothes off. Expect to be humping on the stairs most Friday nights after work.
3. Consider new blackout window treatments since you will be spending most of your time in the house doing things in a state of undress. If you’re not in the habit of locking the front door, now would be the time to train yourself. After all, your empty-nester neighbors — on break from their own constant boinking — will be popping over for cocktails and late-night party games.
4. Under the dining room table is a typical place for empty nesters to bang. If your table is round, consider an upgrade to the more accommodating legs of a rectangular or even oval shape. Keep throw pillows within reach, but not so far from the sofa that the neighbors notice them and wink at you. Consider investing in a dark-colored shag rug.
5. Leave the children’s rooms intact and untouched. Getting it on in their beds will just make you cry.
6. Stock the fridge with champagne so it’s chilled after the six-hour drive home across three states in which you and your spouse check your phone three million times, hoping for a text from your child. At first, you’ll probably share a couple bottles of bubbly each night, but you will likely start tapering off by Halloween.
7. Stock the bathroom shelves with fresh, fluffy white towels. Using these will make you feel luxurious after porking in the shower every morning before work.
8. Mow the lawn. Upkeep to your home and yard is crucial at this time when your kids’ friends might drive by and get suspicious that you’re letting things go. The last thing you need is your children finding out that while they’re at college studying diligently, you and your spouse are deep boning on a daily basis.
9. Put the sex in sectional. Arrange the family room sofa to accommodate two hot, grinding bodies screwing each others’ brains out instead of three kids slouched over their phones while watching reruns of The Office.
10. Consider purchasing a deck swing.