Dear Registrant,

Thank you for being a part of this year’s Nestor Township International Holiday Parade and Festival.

You may have noticed a change in our moniker. ‘International’ was added to the official title because this year’s festivities will indeed be a multicultural affair, thanks not only to a new float sponsored by Jade Billows restaurant, but because, thanks to Erols Internet, we will have a live webcast (!). For those of you unfamiliar with this term, that means people all over the world will be able to see our parade from their computers. It is thrilling to think that our celebration will be available to audiences from Africa to Australia and beyond!

We have also changed the word “Christmas” to “Holiday” after requests to make the parade more inclusive of other faiths.

Due to construction of the Barnes and Noble superstore on Oak Creek Road and the new assisted living community on Redford Avenue, our route this year is somewhat shorter and we are asking float builders to keep their designs as compact as possible.

Of course, what would tradition be without a few rules?

  • No fire of any kind.
  • No gang floats or sexual themes permitted. This is a family parade.
  • We have had several requests from parents that Pokemon and Barney figures be left at home. Please help make this holiday less stressful and less expensive for all of us.
  • Please try to make your signs as large and legible as possible. Several seniors last year reported trouble reading the floats.
  • We regret that there is no more room for all-male singing ensembles this year. If you are not among the 11 registered groups, please apply again… next year.
  • Remember that we are promoting tolerance and togetherness this holiday season. Vandalism of the Rainbow Players’ float will not go unpunished this year.
  • Please, no fire of any kind.

Lastly, please note that, contrary to a certain cub reporter’s claims in the Nestor Advertiser, Erik Estrada has not been confirmed to appear in the parade. While we are looking for a replacement for Rich Little after last year’s unfortunate incident and are promising prospective celebrity participants the utmost in crowd control and security, we have not yet found a suitable candidate. However, this year we will feature entertainment from the Nestor Steel Guitar Collective and the Nestor Needlers marching band.

The Holiday Planning Committee wants to enlist your help in keeping this year’s festivities as safe and noncompetitive as possible. Last year there were suggestions that Rich Little’s accident was due to foul play on the part of some jealous local talent, and we cannot afford to have this kind of bad publicity.

In fact, this year we are going to push for more stars than ever: thanks to the ingenious brainstorming of Francis Leroy and his Celebrity Talent Committee, this year’s parade may feature an Our Favorite Shelleys float, featuring Shelley Long, Shelley Hack, Shelley Fabares, Shelley Winters, Shelley Duvall, and possibly Adrienne Shelly. Shelly Rey (also known as Debi Diamond) was also considered, but due to the spelling of her name and the nature of her work, it was determined that she would be better suited for another parade.

We hope to put on our best face for Nestor’s global debut, and are considering metal detectors to protect the Shelleys and all other festival talent. Donations toward this cost would be gratefully accepted.

That’s all folks! See you at 9 a.m. sharp. And remember, the first 10 floats to arrive will receive coupons for a free Cocoaccino, courtesy of Starbucks. Thanks for your cooperation.