Would you look at that, right on cue, here they come with their cancel cudgels—it’s the intolerant left, trying to cancel me for the “thought crime” of farting (loudly) at the height of my sax solo and then getting dizzy (from saxophone exertion, NOT farting exertion) and crashing into nearby scaffolding, sending a window washer headlong into the bell of a nearby tuba (separate band entirely, not affiliated with my band, arguably Central Indiana’s top brass-based Goo Goo Dolls cover band, A Boy Named Gousaphone).

Yep, like clockwork, out come the “PC police” with their torches, looking for yours truly, just another example of “woke politics” looking to punish someone simply for having the intellectual honesty to also knock the window washer’s water bucket onto the head of the stuffy and overdressed headmaster of the nursing home, whose monocle then shot out of his eye and straight into my butt, stopping the fart’s progression like a cap on an oil well. When the trombone player (ours) let out a classic womp, womp, woooooooomp, the leftist mob apparently took that as an invitation to play judge, jury, and executioner on the charge of me daring to have “dangerous” views about the pelican that swooped down and, while I was still in a daze, stole my toupee (I could have been injured).

So very sorry I “triggered” you by challenging your notions of what’s “appropriate” for nursing home concert etiquette, but as it turns out, my actions (fart) constitute protected speech under this little thing called the First Amendment (ever heard of it?). I will not be silenced (except in the moment by the monocle, to which I DID NOT CONSENT), and I refuse to back down from the intolerant libs who left their “safe spaces” long enough to record and post my mishap so many times that #saxofart is now a “trending topic” in my area. Witch hunt much?!?

Piling on from the woke left has continued, as the Sea Breeze Estates Retirement Home is now being pressured by the mob into canceling our future gigs and claiming that, actually, we were never officially “booked” and did not have the requisite “permits” for a “brass jubilee,” and were technically supposed to be a “magician” according to the paperwork we filed with the city (on time, btw), which was the reason they hired us in the first place. Cancel culture strikes again!

Where does it go from here? Is anyone safe from being canceled? The guy juggling bowling pins while riding on a skateboard who crashes into the fish market and then pops up out of a giant pile of fish with one fish draped on his head? The goofus who stubs his toe on a player piano, which then starts playing “Yakety Sax” (my band will not play this)? Not if the woke mob has anything to say about it. If my saxophone (Reggie) and I can get canceled for loudly farting during “Smuggler’s Blues” (we sometimes do covers of the Goo Goo Dolls doing covers of Glenn Frey), then anyone can.