“Public schools in Texas would have to prominently display the Ten Commandments in every classroom starting next school year under a bill the Texas Senate approved Thursday… the Senate also gave final passage to Senate Bill 1396, which would allow public and charter schools to adopt a policy requiring every campus to set aside a time for students and employees to read the Bible or other religious texts and to pray.” — The Texas Tribune

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Members of the school board, I’m here to voice my outrage about a disgusting book I found in my child’s backpack. The book contained graphic violence, prostitution, sodomy, and perhaps worst of all, a woke agenda that promotes loving your neighbor instead of passing laws to control their access to healthcare. I’m talking, of course, about the Holy Bible.

Ever since the school started promoting Bible study, it’s been nonstop questions from our nine-year-old. “Daddy, what’s a harlot?” “Daddy, what’s ‘spilling your seed’?” “Daddy, in order to repopulate the earth after the flood, wouldn’t Noah’s family have to commit at least cousin-level incest?”

When my wife and I confronted the principal about the inappropriate content our children are being exposed to, she replied, “The Bible is a completely age-appropriate book that we are required to teach by the state of Texas under penalty of law, and our teachers definitely enjoy explaining to students why it is a sin to covet your neighbor’s wife and/or ass.”

So I decided to do something I’d never done before: read the entire Bible from beginning to end.

It starts with the story of two slackers walking around naked and taking suggestions from Satan about fruit. It’s downhill from there. There’s a peeping Tom named David who gets his kicks watching women in the bathtub. Some woman nails a guy’s head to the ground with a tent stake. A supposedly “Godly” dad throws his two daughters to a sex-crazed mob of Sodomites. Then there’s what I can only assume is a gender-nonconforming superhero named Samson who gets his strength from his long hair—a real poster child for the liberal agenda. Now our son refuses to let us cut his hair and keeps chasing the cat with a stick he calls the jawbone of an ass.

Then the whole saga takes a real turn. In the so-called “New” Testament, “an eye for an eye” is out, and suddenly it’s full-on brainwashing about grace and mercy and turning the other cheek instead standing your ground with a high-powered rifle. You might as well print the whole New Testament on rainbow-colored paper.

A young Bernie Sanders-type guy goes around feeding the poor and spreading communist propaganda about how there are enough loaves and fishes to feed everybody. America’s a capitalist country. A few rich people get 99 percent of the loaves and fishes, and the rest of us fight it out for the remaining one percent of Wonder Bread and high-mercury tuna packed in water. That’s the American way!

I was so disgusted I had to stop reading, but I wish I hadn’t, because I would have made sure that my kindergartener never heard one single word of the Book of Revelations. He’s been having nightmares ever since about dead people rising up out of their graves and flying around everywhere. Just last night, he woke up screaming, “I dreamed I went to school naked, and the whore of Babylon was my teacher, and she made me go to the principal’s office, but instead of the principal, there were three impure spirits that looked like frogs coming out of the mouth of the beast!”

Members of the school board, the state of Texas may call the Bible the “Good Book,” but I call it “liberal smut.” If anyone’s going to talk to my kids about incest, seed spilling, or how to identify acceptable fruit, it’s going to be me. So, let’s do the Christian thing and ban this godforsaken book.