SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS: Good afternoon. I wanted to start today with the official announcement of the Trump Doctrine. There’s been plenty of speculation among the media about what a possible Trump Doctrine represents so we’ve decided it will save a lot of time if we just state it outright.
Honestly, we thought this was pretty obvious from the last two plus years, but this makes it official. Whenever the administration announces a policy you can assume it was following a deliberative process in which we carefully decided what an asshole would do and then chose that.
President Trump has initiated a trade war with his closest allies because he’s an asshole. He canceled the Iran deal because he’s an asshole. He tweets about Maxine Waters because he’s an asshole. He goes to the G7 summit and suggests Russia should be readmitted to the group because he’s an asshole.
Thousands of white people show up to President Trump’s rallies because he’s an asshole who attracts other assholes.
We look forward to living the principles of the Trump Doctrine on a daily basis for the next six years, longer if we decide elections are something only non-assholes believe in.
Q: JIM ACOSTA (CNN): Does this apply to issues like the policy separating migrant children from families at the border?
SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS: Yes, in this case the policy is rooted in President Trump not just being an asshole in general, but a racist asshole in specific.
Q: HALLIE JACKSON (NBC): Does the Trump Doctrine exclusively apply to President Trump or does it extend to other members of the administration?
SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS: I think it’s been made pretty clear this administration is filled with assholes. When General Kelly makes excuses for not firing a known domestic abuser, it’s because General Kelly is an asshole.
When Peter Navarro said there was a “special place in Hell” for Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau, it’s because he’s an asshole.
Secretary Pruitt isn’t just an asshole, but a corrupt asshole. Secretary DeVos is a clueless asshole.
We’ve successfully installed assholes in every part of the government, assholes top to bottom.
Q: HALLIE JACKSON: Follow-up, do you see the Trump Doctrine as a break from the traditions of the Republican Party?
SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS: I think it’s also clear that the Republican Party has been filled with assholes for quite a long time.
Paul Ryan is a callous asshole. Mitch McConnell is a smirking asshole. Devin Nunes is a traitorous asshole. Jeff Flake and Marco Rubio are spineless assholes.
Essentially, anyone who still publicly identifies as a Republican is an asshole. It’s really Donald Trump’s party now, a big tent by and for assholes, including not just racist assholes, but greedy assholes as well.
Q: ED HENRY (Fox News): Sarah, is it fair to say that the Trump Doctrine is an essential part of making America great again?
SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS: Ed, I think we’re all familiar with the phrase “nice guys finish last,” right? If that’s true, it isn’t hard to figure out where assholes finish.
Q: MAGGIE HABERMAN (New York Times): In keeping up with our paper’s tradition of using euphemisms like “questionable truths” for “lies” and “racially tinged” for “racist” would it be okay if we said “rear-end orifice” instead of “asshole.”
SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS: You do you, Maggie.
Q: ASHLEY PARKER (Washington Post): Do you consider yourself part of the Trump Doctrine?
SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS: Would I be able to stand up here and lie to you day after day if I wasn’t an asshole? Would I tweet about being denied service at a restaurant knowing it would rain a giant shitstorm down on a small business if I wasn’t an asshole?
Do the math, Ashley.
Q: ASHLEY PARKER (almost inaudible): Asshole.
SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS: Exactly.
Q: JONATHAN KARL (ABC): Is the First Family also subject to the Trump Doctrine?
SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS: I think you can answer that question for yourself, Jon. Why would Melania Trump wear a jacket with I REALLY DON’T CARE printed on the back after she visits migrant children if she wasn’t an asshole? Why would Ivanka Trump post adorable pictures of her with her children on Instagram while other parents are being forcibly separated from their offspring if she wasn’t an asshole?
Why would Donald Jr. continue to draw breath if he wasn’t just a giant, gaping asshole?
It’s not complicated. It’s never been complicated.
Q: JONATHAN KARL (ABC): What about Tiffany?
Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Who?
Q: DAVID BRODY (Christian Broadcasting Network): How does President Trump reconcile the Trump Doctrine with his strong Christian faith.
SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS: David, I think if you examine the Bible, you’ll see nothing incompatible between being a Christian and being an asshole. In fact, some of the biggest assholes in history have possessed a strong Christian faith.
Attorney General Jeff Sessions, for one example. My father for another.
Okay, we have time for one more question.
Q: MAJOR GARRETT (CBS News): What does the Trump Doctrine mean for the importance of civility in political discourse?
SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS: Civility is hugely important… for other people, because it makes it easier for us to just keep being assholes.
That’s it for today. Later, dickheads.
Q: (SEVERAL VOICES): Thanks, Sarah!