Dear fellow provocateurs and fascists,

You’re about to see a lot of news stories pointing out that a systematic massacre of six million Jewish people occurred shortly after I called for Jewish people to be systematically massacred. The conspiratorial press is desperate to draw a connection between my comments calling for genocide and the ensuing genocide. I regret nothing I said, but I also reject the idea that my words led to the Holocaust.

Some people’s desperation to score political points against me is ridiculous and disgusting. You’d have to be some sort of far-left zealot to connect those disparate, extremely-far-away-from-each-other dots. I refuse to be blamed for the Holocaust when the real culprits are the journalists who published my demands for genocide.

Don’t listen to the liberal media and its fairy tales. I was simply trolling when I enacted the Nuremberg Laws and ordered the invasion of Poland. These were private comments and hostile journalists, as usual, misrepresented them as sincere statements. Always desperate to sell more newspapers, the news media published my lighthearted jests about how Jewish people are genetically inferior and should be killed. I was never being serious.

I certainly did not incite a massive genocide through my racist speeches and calls for the irrevocable removal of Jews from German life. If there’s any connection between the Holocaust and my internationally-broadcast remarks spelling out the Holocaust, then the responsibility for this mass murder lies with the liberal media for disseminating my private, innocuous wisecracks. Only the fake news media could so blatantly misinterpret my plans to build a network of concentration camps as some sort of serious proposal. God, I was joking.

The Left loves nothing more than spreading malicious rumors about me, Adolf Hitler. What about all of the anti-Nazi violence that’s incited against members of my party? Those stories always seem to be conspicuously missing from today’s newspapers. The liberal media is so focused on the horrific atrocities committed by my regime that they neglect to paint a complete picture. And I should know, I painted many complete pictures when I studied fine art, which the media also loves to leave out of its narrative about me.

I trolled a few reporters with some offhand remarks about how my foremost goal is the annihilation of all Jews and suddenly the Holocaust is my fault? I am not responsible for my words being used as a roadmap for the systematic, state-sponsored murder of entire ethnic groups. I may be a dictator whose government obeys my every command, but it’s not like I’m forcing people to do these things. Maybe instead of jumping on the bandwagon to crap all over Adolf Hitler, you should go after the journalists who published and spread my casual, folksy calls for racial purity.