“… Bring on the bear hugs [and] the awkward don’t-know-if-we-should-hug hugs.” — CNN on the return of hugs for those who have been fully vaccinated.

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Hello! I’ve heard so much about you. You haven’t heard anything about me? Oh well, I’m coming in for a hug anyway.

Come on, don’t be shy. Open up those arms, you clamshell.

I’m a big hugger. Always have been. I come from a long line of huggers. No, no, it doesn’t matter that you don’t come from a hugging family. I’ve got just the fix for that: an extra-long hug.

I hope you don’t mind the smell of patchouli; I was burning some incense earlier. You are allergic to wool? Don’t worry — this sweater is only 95% wool.

This is the real deal. Come on, hug me like you mean it. I only want to be able to take tiny sips of air. Give me the boa constrictor treatment. It’s almost as if you’ve never been hugged by the friend of a friend in a Fuddruckers’ parking lot before.

You’re going to be like Florida orange juice after this hug: freshly squeezed. My college besties used to call me “The Vice.” They also called me “Smothers” and “Cling-on.”

Can you rub my back in a slow, circular motion? I find it very soothing. Great, now get real close to my ear and gently whisper: “There, there… there, there.”

I’m just going to lay my head on your shoulder for a while. Yep, just like that. Your hair smells nice. Is that lavender?

You might want to get this mole on your neck checked out. It’s got irregular borders. Early detection is key, so if it does turn out to be cancerous, this hug could have saved your life.

Shhh. Don’t spoil the moment by feeling like you have to say anything. Let the hug do the talking. Listen to what the hug has to say. It will tell you everything you need to know.

Oh boy, this is bringing waves of emotions. Dr. Burman said this might happen.

I’m just going to weep softly for a bit, if that’s okay with you. I’m taking your stunned silence as permission to let my tears flow down my face and onto your shirt.

Welp, here come the floodgates. Oh, my nose is running too. No biggie, it will come out in the wash. It’s dry-clean only?

Your arms are kind of going slack. Can you tighten up a bit? Hugging is a two-way street.

Now you’re getting kind of squirmy. Just give in to the hug. Embrace the hug. Haha, “embrace,” get it? That’s a good one. I’ll have to remember that.

Okay, I think I’m good now. Wait, nope, one more squeeze. Ugh. Yep, that’s the ticket. Thanks, I really needed that. Wow, Mark, you really are allergic to wool.

Your name’s not Mark? My bad, Dennis. I’m not good with names. We’ve only just met anyway, so cut me some slack.

Anyway, great to finally meet you! One more hug for the road?