If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a merry Christmas.

If lots of champagne drove the ladies insane, you wouldn’t be kissing your sister at New Year’s.

If flowers and jewels were power tools, your husband wouldn’t keep forgetting your anniversary.

If drinking weren’t the way on St. Patty’s Day, you probably could have avoided that venereal disease.

If instead of chocolate that bunny gave out lots of money, we wouldn’t be spending Easter at the shelter.

If you were handsome and charming, with a wit that’s disarming, that girl from the office might have come to your birthday party.

If costumes and candy were vodka and brandy, trick-or-treating at 25 wouldn’t seem as pathetic.

If a dreidel and candle were all the fun he could handle, that Jewish kid wouldn’t look so sad on Christmas Eve.