HOST: Welcome to “What School Form Did I Just Sign?”—a game where parents must keep track of all the paperwork they are required to fill out by their children’s school. Our contestants are Lindsey, a mother of three kids who attend three different schools, and Dave, a divorced dad whose son lives with him every other week. Okay, folks, first question: What book did you order your kid from Scholastic?

DAVE: That’s easy: a nonfiction book about whales.

HOST: I’m sorry, that’s incorrect. Lindsey?

LINDSEY: A biography of Ruth Bader Ginsburg?

HOST: That is also incorrect. The correct response is “a cupcake-scented gel pen set and matching narwhal notebook, costing over twenty-five dollars.”

LINDSEY: Really? I told Sydney she had to order a book.

HOST: When you sign forms blindly, that’s how it works out sometimes. Next question: How many times a week does your child practice the clarinet?

LINDSEY: Every day.

HOST: Sorry, no. Dave?

DAVE: I signed his practice sheet four times this week, so… four?

HOST: The correct response for both of you is “never.” Despite your signing their practice sheets, none of your children even take their clarinet out of its case. Also, Dave, your son plays the saxophone. Next question: Where is your child going on their field trip on Friday?

DAVE: I have no idea.

LINDSEY: Me neither.

HOST: Your kids are going deep-sea fishing. It costs sixty-seven dollars in exact change and requires specialized clothing, including the purchase of waders. They have to get picked up from the seaport at 2:30 p.m., during your mandatory afternoon work meeting. And don’t forget, Lindsey: you volunteered to chaperone.

LINDSEY: Wait, what?

HOST: Next question: What form did you recently find crushed at the bottom of your kid’s backpack?

LINDSEY: A blue emergency contact card that was due on the second day of school.

DAVE: A spelling test where my kid spelled his name wrong.

HOST: You are both correct. Well done! Next question: What assembly did your child miss when they were out with the stomach bug last Tuesday?

DAVE: Cyber safety?

LINDSEY: Something about cyber-bullying?

HOST: No. You signed the form for them to attend a school assembly about their changing bodies and the onset of puberty. Since your kids missed it, here’s a link to an informational video on menstruation and nocturnal emissions you must watch together with them.

DAVE: Sweet Jesus.

HOST: Bonus round time. You will receive one point for each correct response. Based on the forms accumulating in your child’s folder, what items are they selling to fundraise for the school?

DAVE: Chocolate bars.

LINDSEY: Wrapping paper, plants, fruit pies, tickets to the art fair, tickets to the science fair…

DAVE: Candy. School merchandise…

LINDSEY: Tickets to the football game, tickets to the Spring Concert, restaurant vouchers…

DAVE: So much candy.

HOST: Both our contestants performed well in the bonus round, but our grand prize winner is… Lindsey!

LINDSEY: Oh my gosh. I never win anything.

HOST: To receive your prize, your children will come home from school with some forms—just fill them out in triplicate, get them notarized, and enclose seventeen dollars in exact change for shipping.