1. Chicken should only be served as a nugget in the shape of dinosaurs. The knowledge of a paleontologist should be available for Q&A.
2. Junk food is referred to as “top-shelf party fuel.”
3. Heinz is the only ketchup. It should never be 1) placed on the serving plate in advance, 2) touching any items on the plate, or 3) served in quantities smaller than a grown-up’s fist.
4. Mentioning the words “ranch” or “bbq” is not tolerated in the client’s presence.
5. Beverages should be served at room temperature over hand-crafted unicorn-shaped ice cubes. A cup should be no less than ¾ full at any given moment. If a drink spills, is empty, or was not poured in an appropriate manner, a new cup of greater size and stature will be issued.
6. Straws of every shade of purple should be available.
7. An alternate meal should be prepared in advance and ready to serve immediately upon presenting an initial meal. No ingredient should be duplicated in the preparations of the secondary meal.
8. Kraft Macaroni and Cheese should not need to be on the purchase order; it should be known without request to be in stock at all times. This applies even to those with the following dietary restrictions: vegan, lactose intolerant, vegetarian, gluten-free, kosher, halal, paleo, pescatarian, low-carb, Atkins, keto, raw, and clients with allergies of any kind.
9. No yogurt should EVER be anywhere within a 500-meter circumference.
10. Sandwiches are served crustless, cut at 45-degree angles, without mayo, tomatoes, or any substance that might cause the slightly toasted bread to absorb any moisture.
11. When in transit, a dynamic variety of packaged snacks should be available at all times. Shiny, one-time-use, single-serving packaging is preferred. Options should be presented via a tossing mechanism. NOTE: It is recommended that snack packaging have rounded edges to avoid injury if thrown back at the server.
12. Brown M&M’s should be removed prior to the client’s arrival. They should be out of sight yet on reserve for the client to practice throwing into the server’s mouth for entertainment purposes.
13. If demands are not met, it is at the client’s discretion whether to perform as expected. A dramatic emotional monologue, on repeat, may be offered in place of consumption.
B-list Celebrity’s Rider: 2, 5, 8, 11, 12, and 13
Toddler demands: 1-13