1. Teach your child the 4 C’s: Confidence, Courage, Cry, and Cut. Your child must have CONFIDENCE when sitting upon the toilet, and COURAGE if the basilisk awakens and charges your child’s bare bottom. Then your child must CRY out in Parseltongue in order to threaten the basilisk, and then CUT the beast’s head off with their bathroom saber.
2. Do not use Drano to get the serpent out of your toilet. Basilisks love chemicals; it makes them stronger. The chemicals in the Drano make the basilisks venom sacks even more toxic. One spray of this toxic venom in your child’s eyes and you will be shopping at Warby Parker Kids for their next birthday.
3. Install a bathroom saber. It’s usually best to have it within a child’s arms reach of any drain. (Tip: Melissa & Doug makes really cute bathroom sabers that hide in the handle of your plunger.)
4. If your child is prone to high-volume flatulence, consider installing a permanent white-noise machine in your bathroom to drown out any unexpected noises. Basilisks are sensitive to loud sounds and may awaken. Remember, a sleeping basilisk makes for easy potty training.
5. Do not allow your boys to get into the habit of urinating while standing up. If your boy locks eyes with the basilisk while relieving himself, he will surely turn to stone. The same goes for girls. No looking into the potty!
6. Avoid Switzerland at all costs. Switzerland is filled to the brim with basilisks. If your child can’t avoid going to the bathroom in Switzerland, place a small fondue pot in the shower to keep the basilisk busy while your child does their business. Better yet, keep your kid in diapers whenever visiting.
7. There is a rumor circulating the parenting forums on Facebook saying that your child can use a mirror to turn the basilisk into stone, but do not believe these misguided parents. The ancient beast is too cunning to fall for this trick, and your child could be left defenseless against it.
8. Get your hands on the Eye of Medusa, currently on display at the Museum of Libya in Tripoli. The scepter has the power to turn the creature back into stone. Try to get it out of your plumbing before doing so; otherwise, you can say hello to a very expensive bathroom renovation. You can also let your kid play with the scepter while they are on the toilet. A child’s pure heart is more capable of absorbing the scepter’s infinite wisdom, and they should learn how to wield the ancient weapon against the dark serpent. It’s never too early to instill a sense of self-reliance.
9. Praise your child by giving them a sticker every time they successfully use the toilet or remove the head from the ancient beast. Giving your child frequent praise is a great way to teach your child the second and fourth C’s, COURAGE, and CUT.
10. Have your child wash their hands and any teeth they have taken from the serpent’s mouth as trophies with soap and water.