Papyrus: You own more than one Himalayan salt lamp

Lucida Handwriting : You carry The Unabridged Poe everywhere

Impact: You’re thirteen

Times New Roman: You’re an undergrad

Garamond: You’re a grad student

Goudy Old Style: You have your PhD in hand

Courier: You’re out of mustache wax

Verdana: Give pumpkin spice a rest, already

Georgia: You got the shifty eyes

Copperplate: You need to stop reading Machiavelli

Calibri: You’re a Google Glass early adopter

Didot: No one wants to come to your Bergman marathon

Times: You never pay for brunch

Arial: You’re possibly a serial killer

Palatino: You’re lucky you have a pool, buddy