Please read! This is real! Send this email to ten of your friends in the next five minutes! I’m serious! If you do it, you will get kissed on the lips by your crush tomorrow. If you don’t, something terrible will happen to you while you’re sleeping.

At exactly 2:36 AM, a little dead girl named Elizabeth will enter your room. In 1892, Elizabeth received this email and didn’t do anything about it. The next day, Elizabeth got hit by a bus! That’s because this is real!

When Elizabeth enters your room, she will be carrying a butcher knife, but she won’t kill you with it. That would be too easy! Elizabeth will cut off all your clothes and tickle you extensively. Then she’ll make you put on a pair of old New Balance sneakers. She won’t care if they don’t fit you! And you won’t be allowed to put in your orthotics, so you will truly be fucked!

Elizabeth will guide you outside and throw you into the trunk of her car. Elizabeth isn’t a licensed driver, so this should be fun! Elizabeth will drive you safely to a fancy French restaurant. She’ll say you can order whatever you want off the menu. It’s on her. You’ll order a steak and a side salad. You’ll think, “Maybe not following the directions in this email isn’t so bad after all.” You’re a stupid fuck. The side salad arrives and no matter what kind of dressing you asked for it will have a honey mustard glaze. The steak comes out and it’s just a soggy hamburger without a bun.

Elizabeth will say she’s taking you to a performance. But what she won’t tell you is that you’re the one performing! Elizabeth will push you onto the stage. It’s a middle school talent show and you’ve been introduced as performing a hula hoop act to a Donna Summer song. You’ll look out into the audience and the auditorium will be complete full, except the seat reserved for your mother. Did she forget? Is she drinking again? The ambiguity is torture.

You’ll see your crush in the audience, the one who will never kiss you now because you’re a piece of shit who didn’t send out this email in time. Looking at her, you’ll get an erection, which everyone will see because remember, you’re completely naked except for a pair of old New Balance sneakers. You’ll faint from embarrassment.

You’ll wake up. It was all a terrible dream. Just kidding. You’ll be dangling by a rope above a pool of sharks. But don’t worry, these sharks won’t eat you. That would be too easy! These are the Sharks from the original Broadway cast of West Side Story. They’re still bitter that they weren’t cast in the 1961 movie! And somehow they think you’re the casting director who fucked them over! They will want to have a “talk” with you.

You’ll cut the rope with your teeth and begin to run. The only way you can get away from the Sharks quickly enough is by taking public transportation. You’ll be waiting at the bus stop when an elderly woman approaches you. Her name is Norma and she wants to tell you that you look like her firstborn. You’ll smile and nod and wish you were dead.

The bus will arrive. But wait, you won’t have the money to pay the driver. Remember, you’re completely naked except for a pair of old New Balance sneakers. When the driver asks for your money, you’ll punch him in the face. That’s a felony punishable by up to twenty five years in prison.

You’ll hijack the bus. Ten people will get on. Nine will get off. Twelve will get on. Three will get off. Are you following? Six will get on. Eight will get off. Two will get on. Five will get off. Now what is the color of the bus driver’s eyes?

While you’re attempting to solve that challenging-as-fuck riddle, you will be distracted and hit someone with the bus. Who? Elizabeth. That’s right, this email used foreshadowing as a literary device. Elizabeth’s blood is on your hand. Her parents will take you to court for what you did to their baby girl. You’ll take the plea deal.

Or you can send this email to ten of your friends! The choice is yours! Unless you are a slow reader, in which case, your five minutes are up and you are totally fucked! This is real!