“Good Thing Going” (Merrily We Roll Along): You’re a hugger, and you look at everyone’s Instagram stories no matter how long it’s been since you last spoke. You can name all five original members of the Rat Pack.
“Liaisons” (A Little Night Music): You have a close relationship with your grandmother. You love drag queens and your favorite on season sixteen of RuPaul’s Drag Race is Sapphira Cristál.
“Gee, Officer Krupke” (West Side Story): You’re the first person on the dance floor at weddings, and your dance moves are heavy on the elbows. You have a criminology degree from the John Jay College of Criminal Justice.
“Marry Me a Little” (Company): Your thumbs are sore from swiping. You have an anxious-avoidant attachment style. You read about attachment styles instead of going to therapy.
“Losing My Mind” (Follies): You’re always the dumpee, never the dumper. You have watched the video of Stevie Nicks singing “Silver Springs” at Lindsey Buckingham Live at Warner Brothers Studios in May 1997 no fewer than 687 times.
“Color and Light” (Sunday in the Park with George): You constantly have a song in your head and don’t realize when you’re singing it out loud. You prefer the Musée d’Orsay to the Louvre (and the Reina Sofia to the Prado).
“Someone in a Tree” (Pacific Overtures): You majored in history and, to this day, assert that it’s more practical than economics. You say that your favorite filmmaker is Hayao Miyazaki, but it’s really Ken Burns.
“The Miller’s Son” (A Little Night Music): You don’t find pantyhose to be too uncomfortable. You own a mug that says CARPE THE FUCK OF OF THIS DIEM. Your favorite drug is cocaine.
“Not a Day Goes By” (Merrily We Roll Along): You are a child of divorce. Your favorite Broadway Diva™ is Bernadette Peters, and you defend her performance as Momma Rose in the 2003 revival of Gypsy day after day after day after day.
“The Frogs” (The Frogs): You are ride-or-die for Nathan Lane, accepting him as an honorary Jew and defending his casting as a Jewish character. You’re also incredibly pretentious. Krup you.
“Johanna” (Sweeney Todd): You date only tenors or sopranos. You are more attracted to Victor Garber in Titanic than you are to Leonardo DiCaprio. You think Bridgerton season one is better than season two, but that Queen Charlotte is superior to them both.
“There Won’t Be Trumpets” (Anyone Can Whistle): You are a member of the Democratic Socialists of America. Your favorite translation of Karl Marx’s Das Kapital is the Penguin Classics edition. Your favorite flowers are daisies.
“Epiphany” (Sweeney Todd): You are a threat to yourself and to others. Practice deep breathing. Please look after yourself, we care about you.