STATUS: You post without comment a quote from the “cool girl” speech in Gone Girl.

MEANING: You have developed a new scripted series for Bravo and intend to move to Los Angeles as soon as the kids start camp in late June.

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STATUS: You change your profile picture to Steve McQueen in Bullitt and huddle under a blanket for the rest of the evening waiting to see how many “likes” you receive.

MEANING: You recently developed a love for obscure, possibly illegal practices involving artisanal cheese, and your spouse has talked to her mother about it.

- - -

STATUS: You post a photo to Instagram from a girl’s night out at a hip restaurant with your friends, shot from above, with a lo-fi filter and a tilt-shift effect.

MEANING: You began your affair with a hedge fund manager who specializes in quantitative analysis of statistical arbitrage opportunities eleven months earlier, but you are now looking to date other people.

- - -

STATUS: You post a genuinely fun but mildly unflattering picture on Facebook of your wife wearing a bathing suit that doesn’t quite fit perfectly. She looks relaxed, however, and holds a tropical drink containing an umbrella stuck jauntily into a piece of fruit.

MEANING: You have met with divorce counsel, but have not yet formally engaged them.

- - -

STATUS: You tweet pictures of every course of every meal you ever eat, mentioning the provenance of every ingredient and the prior work history of the chef.

MEANING: Your custody battle over the family cat has escalated and a temporary restraining order is now in place.

- - -

STATUS: You post pictures of yourself with your arm around your spouse at a variety of black-tie events around the city. You both look radiant and elegant.

MEANING: You secretly work for the CIA as an undercover field operative, but your wife (played by Jamie Lee Curtis) thinks that you’re a boring salesman who ignores his family, and then tries to have an affair with a guy who in real life is actually a waiter at a big convention hotel, but pretends to be a secret agent to pick up lonely women, then your friend (played by Rosanne Barr’s ex-husband) sets up a sting operation to catch your wife, using government security apparatus in a totally inappropriate (almost stalker-like) manner, but it goes horribly wrong, and you both end up as prisoners held captive by a terrorist who uses a beautiful art dealer as a front, but you are saved when your teenaged daughter helps you fly a Harrier jet into a building.

- - -

STATUS: You post selfies with your children, who are dressed exactly the same as you.

MEANING: You are happily married.