Ugh, Baby Boomers. With their endless career opportunities, higher education at bargain-bin prices, glad-handed cronyism and canasta. In their cool hats ruining it for later generations who wanted to wear similar hats but were ridiculed because who do we think we are, Baby Boomers?

And don’t get me started on Generation Xers, with their robust middle class, affordable gas prices and endless vests. Neon suit jacket vests, paisley sweater vests, puffy goose down vests. Enough with the vests—later generations aren’t interested!

They still aren’t as bad as the Millennials, though. Sucking down Surge cola, living worry-free on Mommy and Daddy’s dime. Strangers to the struggle, yet filled with resentment about the struggle. Obsessed with self-discovery and self-fulfilling volunteerism. Ever think we were going to eat the rest of that sandwich?

But even they look like saints next to Generation Z. Gluttonous bums spread across the couch, indulging on unlimited information at the push of a button. Utilizing open source technology to research their own selfish medicinal breakthroughs. Elaborate inoculations rendering mankind’s physical ailments obsolete—they could’ve set a foot outdoors and gotten some damn exercise!

Then there’s the insufferable in-your-face fitness of the Beta Generation. With their returned focus on physical perfection. Supplementing their nutrition with galactic exploration and discovery of new life. Banning all Earth nuclear/chemical/physical weapons for good measure. Placing any remaining munitions in a hidden silo, never to be opened again. Extending all the warmth and charity to our new companions, the Klorth Centurions of Callisto. Give it a rest, do-gooders!

Don’t remind me about that supremely evil Delta Generation. All goodness suppressed under the tyranny of Hulcar Klorth IV after his rise to power on a defenseless, un-weaponized Earth. Mankind reverting to subversives doing the wicked bidding of their alien overlord. Ensuring they’d never know what it was like to work for something!

And the labor-intensive, dumbed-down idiocy of the Gamma Generation. Regressing to cavemen-like buffoons after prolonged exposure to the towering Klorthian harvesting plants. Simple life with simple concerns. Absentmindedly stumbling upon a long-forgotten silo of munitions. Activating ancient weapons with palm strikes to fancifully colored buttons. Toppling the bloodthirsty autocracy of Hulcar Klorth IV and destroying all life in the process. Ever think we wanted the rest of that sandwich?

The Omega Generation. Never piecing together the simple concept they could be whatever they wanted, if they went and MADE something of themselves. Too busy floating around as subatomic particles to get anything accomplished. Get a job!