What gives? I told you I wanted the noble integrity of that windmill to be upheld, yet here I am looking at it degraded by rejects who can’t even play real golf. That is a fully operational, Netherlands-style windmill! It should be milling grain or generating a non-negligible amount of power. A rotating beacon of man’s ingenuity has no place next to a wide-mouthed clown or a roaring dinosaur. This is like putting the Mona Lisa in a trash store. A store that only sells actual trash at unfair prices.

I knew I should’ve just kept it! The homeowner association’s “No Wind-Based Machinery” clause was clearly just a personal attack and wouldn’t have held up in court. They were just jealous of my ability to shave several dollars off of my electric bill each month by using 95% of my backyard to harness Old Father Wind. I guess I really sold it because I wanted to stop being known as the “Windmill Guy.” It didn’t work, though. Even now that it’s gone, the post office still keeps crossing out my name on my mail and writing that in. I’d complain, but they know where I live.

I was really in a tough predicament, and that’s why I was so happy when you told me you’d gladly take the windmill off my hands and out of my backyard. I’m just confused, because you looked me directly in the eye and told me that you’d never use the windmill for anything remotely close to mini-golf. Yet here I am seeing Windy imprisoned on the eighth hole. It’s not even on the back nine! What happened to the Don Quixote reenactment you said you were going to use it for? No, don’t act like mini-golf is in the book. I don’t recall any sections dedicated to smacking around a brightly colored ball and keeping score with a small, eraser-less pencil.

There’s a reason why I didn’t want my windmill debased by being a part of a novelty sport. These people are just putting. You have to hit a golf ball at least 150 yards to earn the right to putt in real golf, or “macro-golf” as these people surely call it, yet they’re just doing it from the get-go! Shrinking a sport only increases the madness.

I mean, you can’t just take one aspect out of a real sport and then act like it’s its own thing. Hey, look, everyone! I’m wearing tennis shoes! Sure, I’m not playing tennis, but I’m wearing the shoes so it’s just as worthy of a sport! Who else wants to join my tennis-lite league? The sport consists entirely of casually walking around in tennis shoes! Yes, I admit this does sound a lot like jogging, but it’s different! Alright, I’m going to stop shouting before I’m known at the Tennis-lite Guy.

I’m getting out of here. Seeing my ex-windmill’s blades stopping the balls of these rubes brings me no joy. I just came to tell you that you, sir, are a liar, a cheat, and a crook. You’re the mini-golf version of a human being.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m meeting a man who wishes to purchase my loop-de-loop for a reenactment of The Tempest.