We understand that paying seventy one U.S. dollars for a twelve-ounce bottle of apple juice may seem crazy at first, but let’s take a closer look at why our juice costs a bit more. First of all, we’ve added fucking red pepper. And you can’t really put a price on that kind of thinking, can you? It’s not the kind of idea you come up with right out of the gate, trust us. Our friend, Chet, was pretty baked and he thought he was adding cinnamon to the apple juice, but turns out, that spice jar was full of cayenne. Chet downed that shit fast before he even realized he made the mistake, and we were all cracking up because as soon as he finished slamming it, he let out this weird combination of cackle and scream, like a comedian yelling at a fawn being eaten by a coyote. After he made the sound, he spiked the container into the kitchen floor real hard. Snot was leaking out of his nose super fast; huge, thick, clear strands and he was sneezing non-stop, rapid fire, one right after the other. Chet had one hand clamped down on his penis and one pressing in on his right kidney and he started kicking shit — Karen’s bike, the recycling, the dog’s water bowl. It was CLASSIC Chet. Like the time he lit an M80 in Ricky’s car when they were driving to San Francisco and he dropped the goddamn thing on the passenger-side floor mat and Rick swerved into that weird irrigation ditch so they could bail just in time. It literally blew the entire dashboard off and the blast broke every window. When I heard about that I was laughing so hard I peed. Sorry, I’m getting pretty distracted here, I’m not trying to gloss over the fact that we just got seventy-one dollars from you for, let’s face it, basically a medium apple juice; so let’s get back to that. Like I said, we added cayenne pepper to it, so that’s one extra thing right there. The other thing you may not realize about our apple juice is that there’s also some lemon juice in there. So that’s two extra things in it. Now, let’s take an even closer look. Did you taste a fourth ingredient? Yes, you did. You tasted ginger. And we got news for you: the only place ginger grows is in fucking diamond mines, Sherlock. Hey, you could always just buy some farm-fresh apple juice for a few dollars and add the ginger and stuff yourself, right? I mean, we’ve all seen organic apple juice at the farmer’s market for, like, two or three bucks a bottle. Then just buy a lemon, some cayenne, you’re looking at maybe four bucks total. Oh, just one problem, maestro: where the FUCK are you going to get your own ginger? You just gonna breeze into a target-rich environment that’s being pounded with hot rounds by deranged insurgent warlords so you can get some ginger from the diamond mines where it grows? Yeah, didn’t think so. I think what you just said was, “No, I don’t feel like trotting into a fucking civil war in Angola and walking into a ginger patch that’s being lit up like a goddamn Christmas tree with night fire. I’d rather have that shit extracted from a bloody battlefield and mashed into some apple juice by you and then made available to me at my my local juiceaterium.” Okay, well, no problem — for a price, we can do that. And here’s another tip, brainiac: don’t eat any food for a week or two and your body will start cleansing itself like Chet’s body was doing. Now that we’re saving you so much money on food, you’re coming out ahead on the juice. And you’re complaining about the price of it? You don’t even deserve good juice like this.
McSweeney's Quarterly Subscriptions
“Ever shape-shifting and ambitious, McSweeney’s has redefined what a literary institution can be.”—Catherine Lacey
November 15, 2017
As little as $1 a month ($12 a year!) goes a long way towards supporting our editorial staff and contributors while keeping us ad-free. Become a McSweeney’s Internet Tendency patron today.