When a car appears at the top of the Rocky Mountains, it means you’re ready to drive home.

When flowers bloom in a small meadow at the base of the mountains, it means you missed your mother’s birthday again. Why can’t you get this one thing right?

When the Rockies erupt it means you have alcohol poisoning.

When columns of light shoot from the mountaintops and illuminate the heavens, your beer has been deemed Kosher.

When snowflakes drift around the can in a balletic display, borne aloft by eddies and currents in the air, it means you have eye floaters.

When a plus sign appears on the label it means you’re pregnant. Congratulations, ladies! Gentlemen, call your doctor immediately.

When glowing runes appear, decode them for a sneak preview of Steven Spielberg’s new show Terra Nova. Or a coupon for Lost on DVD. Though there’s an off chance it could unlock a behind-the-scenes thing for Fringe. Honestly, the CMO we recently fired went a little overboard, and the only way to know which runes correspond to which show is to check the “brewed on” date at the bottom.

When a bonsai tree appears at the base of the Rockies, it means nothing. And within nothing lies crisp, clean, refreshing bliss.

When the Rockies become Mayan Pyramids, it means you’re in the Taco Bell drive through. Wake up and proceed to the second window.

When a small team of Sherpas appears on the can and splits into two parties, one that begins constructing a base camp on the southern face of the Rockies and a second that starts to methodically establish a safe route to the summit, it means that someone probably dropped a mescaline button in your beer. Wrap yourself in a thick wool blanket and call a cab.

When the mountains turn red, wouldn’t it be nice to add some fresh lime, a little Campbell’s® tomato juice and a dash of Tabasco® Sauce?

When the mountains disappear completely HOLY SHIT, WHERE DID THE MOUNTAINS GO??

When a timetable for the Silver Bullet train appears, prepare to get on board for the cold… wait, did an S appear too? That’s the Sunday schedule. And did you match the correct row with your stop and time? The font is pretty tiny. We had to make room for lots of departures and locations. Don’t mix up the AM and PM columns!

When “Coors Light” is re-arranged to spell “Ostrich Log,” show it to the nearest person holding a Corona and ask them if their bottle can do anagrams. Of course it can’t, it’s a Corona.