One thing is clear: the assassinations, which had no legal basis or international support, of Maj. Gen. Qassim Suleimani and Abu Mahdi al-Muhandis in Iraq constitute a significant step in promoting long-lasting peace and stability in the Middle East. But on the off chance that bombing a country we claim not to be at war with in order to kill the general of a different country that we also claim not to be at war with leads to escalating levels of retribution, I want to unequivocally say that if you are against the war in the country that’s near the other country in that general dangerous area of the world, you are a traitor to the US and a completely illogical moron.

First of all, there was an imminent threat against the US. The threat was large. The threat was robust. Details of this threat can be found in a locked safe in the bottom of the sea.

Second, according to a tweet thread I didn’t bother fact-checking, Suleimani had a history of horrifying actions, many of them against innocent people like the ones killed during the US invasion of Iraq.

And third, people in Iran are already celebrating Suleimani’s death by burning the American flag, which is sadly the only heat source in that economically crippled nation.

On a geopolitical level, peace in Iran is absolutely crucial to peace in other similar countries that are nearby, like Iraq and the other ones. Many people don’t know this, but for a long time Iran was named after the Greek hero Persia. That goes to show that most people really have no clue what they’re talking about when they talk about the history of Iran, which borders other troubled nations such as Azerbaistan and Rammstein.

Most people also don’t realize that Iran is home to one of the oldest religions in the world, Zoroastrianism, which holds that life is a conflict between the forces of good and evil, and hopefully once the American bombs fall no one will realize that fact, because that religion seems pretty dumb.

President Trump has shown impressive leadership abilities by doing whatever he randomly wants all the time. He treated these assassinations with the utmost seriousness while he was taking a break from partying in Mar-a-Lago.

And now we see the results: a grateful nation, a peaceful world, and the people who helped fight ISIS saying death to America.

The only people against this war are the stupidest people on the planet, whose rightness about Iraq only masked their profound wrongness. And the people championing violence against Iran most vociferously are patriotic heroes who live in mansions and avoid paying the taxes that fund the wars that made them rich.

If you don’t support “escalating tensions” with Iran — which is a nice euphemism for guaranteed civilian suffering — then not only are you un-American, you are a terrorist sympathizer who believes in following international laws. You deserve to go to Guantanamo, where values will be instilled in you through the abdication of a coherent moral framework.

True Americans and true Christians understand what the point of war is: to rile up the base and enforce party discipline.

So, honestly, get on board — and if you don’t like it, then you can leave and take your history lessons with you.

We are already winning over the hearts and minds of the Iranian people by making them extremely angry with us. The next step is to topple their quasi-dictatorship and install a pro-American democracy that is also a quasi-dictatorship.

When the bombs start falling on Tehran, the Iranian people will be dancing in the streets that are still intact. I’m sure of it, because President Trump, a fellow expert on Iran, said so.