“House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy on Wednesday admonished Republican Rep. Madison Cawthorn of North Carolina over claims he had watched members of Congress use drugs and was invited to an ‘orgy.’” — CBS News, 3/31/222

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We, the members of the Republican Party, are deeply disturbed by the recent comments of one of our members in the House of Representatives. In the past, this person has pushed conspiracy theories about election fraud and actively helped incite an insurrection. But now he’s accusing us of having sex, and that will not stand.

We can overlook a misstep now and then—like sharing a video depicting yourself decapitating another member of Congress, or calling for the execution of the Speaker of the House, or just associating with white supremacists. But once you start claiming that some of us have had or are currently having sex with one or more people, you’ve crossed a goddamn line.

Look, we’re pretty loose, okay? We’ll sit back and watch a member of our party do and say terrible things, even if it means putting democracy itself in jeopardy. Sometimes, we’ll even join in! But if that same person points at one of us and makes the finger-going-in-the-hole-made-by-your-other-fingers thing, mark our words: we will have vengeance.

Clearly, we let a lot of things slide: bigotry, corruption, peddling in falsehoods—the list goes on. But if you spread a rumor that we’re all getting busy in bone-town? If you make it seem like we’re all doing the horizontal hokey-pokey? If you tell the world we’re playing twenty toes? If you so much as even hint that we do the no-pants dance? That’ll be the last damn straw.

You might be thinking, “What about trying to overturn a legitimate election? Or encouraging followers to attack the nation’s Capitol? Shouldn’t one of those have been the last straw?” To that we say: No! For us, sex is the last straw. And if sex is a straw, we drink straight from the glass. Does that make sense? What we’re trying to say is that we absolutely do not have sex.

So let us make this abundantly clear: literally anything objectively terrible is fine with us, but telling everyone we like to boink? That’s a one-way ticket out of DC, my friend.