Our records indicate that your 30-day trial period with Black Patience expires today. For continued access to the remarkable grace and wondrous restraint of black people worldwide, paid membership is now required. Not sure what this means for you? We’re happy to explain.
You see, contrary to popular belief, Black Patience takes time and effort to prepare. Culling Black Patience from the depths of the Black Psyche takes a lot of work and… we’re losing you, aren’t we?
Think of coal. Coal is a natural resource, which means that while it is technically self-replenishing, it takes a very long time for new formations to develop. Millions of years, actually. Think of black people’s patience as coal.
Now think of coal miners. They do arduous work prying that coal from the ground so that we might enjoy its various uses, many of which make our lives infinitely more comfortable. Think of black people as coal miners.
At the end of the day, we pay for coal, right? And we pay coal miners, right? And you’d have to be some kind of jackass to think that coal miners should work for free just because you don’t want to pay for coal, right? Right!
See how we took the time to metaphorize an already-understandable concept? Bet you didn’t even notice, did you? That’s just one of many forms of Black Patience at work. These luxuries and others can be yours in no time! Just opt-in to any of our three, distinct membership plans tailored to your capabilities.
(payable in daily installments of Common Sense)
Do you think black people are people too? Do you think racism is a bad thing? Do you think it should be illegal to murder people?
Get started with our bottom-tier Bronze Membership! Now comes with a free COEXIST bumper sticker!
(payable in daily installments of Critical Thinking)
Do you want to know why your behavior is a problem instead of loudly protesting that it isn’t? Do you think it might be time to get a library card instead of demanding answers on Facebook? Are you starting to get the impression that history class left a few things out?
Try our mid-tier Silver Membership! Now comes with a free YES WE CAN bumper sticker!
(payable in daily installments of Empathy)
Have you proven you’ve got the emotional capacity to care about someone other than yourself? Do you think it might finally be time to mobilize your privilege instead of apologizing to random black people? Do you suspect that being “woke” simply isn’t enough?
Consider our top-tier Gold Membership! Now comes with a free BLACK LIVES MATTER bumper sticker!
Still not convinced Black Patience is right for you? Check out these testimonials!
“Last year my family uninvited me to Thanksgiving because they didn’t want any ‘drama.’ I practically laughed my mother off the phone — did she think I was going to lose sleep over that cardboard turkey?” — Nancy, 38 (Gold Member)
“I actually joined as a joke, but then I started noticing results. People stopped rolling their eyes every time I opened my mouth to speak. My co-workers started inviting me out to drinks. My girlfriend of three years finally introduced me to her parents. I was a total pariah and didn’t even know it.” — Michael, 26 (Silver Member)
“My granddaughter bought me this membership ‘cause she was worried Pawpaw was going to hell. I’m not afraid to admit I’ve had my membership canceled a few times for missing payments, but I’ll always keep trying ‘cause God don’t like ugly and I don’t want to let little Kinley down.” — Fletcher, 82 (Bronze Member)
“It’s super embarrassing, but I used to be one of those people who thought just existing in the presence of black people was the same thing as respecting black people.” — Charlotte, 32 (Silver Member)
“I look back at my old Tweets and cringe. I cringe.” — Tiffany, 19 (Bronze Member)
“I started out with Bronze and worked my way up after receiving some unnerving 23andMe results (turns out my ‘pretty liberal’ family is littered with hateful racists). It hasn’t always been easy, but by the time I got to Silver, I realized black people’s quality of life isn’t about what’s easiest for white people.” — Mark, 20 (Gold Member)
Black Patience is not available through third-party-sellers, nor is Black Patience redeemable via simply:
- Having black friends
- Marrying into a black family
- Producing and/or adopting black children
- Hiring black employees
- Teaching black students
- Publishing work by black authors
- Living next-door to a black person
Black Patience does not and has never granted use of the N-word or blackface, guaranteed a plate at the cookout, or offered compliments on decidedly under-seasoned dishes.
Black Patience does not guarantee Black Forgiveness.
Black Patience is not a catch-all for garnering the patience of other minority groups.