If people ask you where you’re from and your repeated answer of “I was born and raised in San Francisco” doesn’t cut it, don’t get upset! Just have fun. Are your grandparents originally from Japan? Who cares! Go crazy and say you’re part Taiwanese with a dash of Filipino. Who’s to know the difference? Not them.
If a stranger starts talking to you in Chinese, respond! It’s really not that hard. In fact, Business Insider says Chinese is merely one of the four most difficult languages for native English speakers to master. How lucky are you?! Take a day off, go on Rosetta Stone, and fit right in.
Learning Chinese will also help you communicate with lots of people around the world! It’s true that at least 1.4 billion people can speak the language, and that’s just in China alone! How are strangers supposed to know you’re not from China? Oh, because you just told them you were born and raised in San Francisco? Huh. Well, okay!
Some people may feel the need to speak English very slowly to you, and that is so sweet of them! They are taking time out of their busy day to make sure their spit lands directly onto your face when they over enunciate jargon like “this” and “the." These are two very similar words that are difficult to tell apart, and they’re making sure you get it. How thoughtful!
Appreciate your tiger mom!
If you’ve experienced any level of academic success, you’ve likely heard someone compliment your “tiger mom.” That is so awesome. No other race gets to have their success be automatically assumed as the product of a wrathful, beast-like parent. And just because one Asian person said she raised her kids this way definitely means it’s safe to conclude that all Asian mothers do! Remember, there’s no way your success is a result of your own self-motivation. It’s because Mommy Bengal makes you buy dinner with your A+ school papers.
Become a prodigy!
Close your eyes. Pretend you can hear an incredibly beautiful and intricate piano piece being performed. Now picture the musician – that’s right, we’re imagining the same thing: a seven-month-old Asian baby. People expect you grew up like this, so why not keep up appearances by taking a few piano lessons? We all know classical music originated in Thailand — just look at Mozart and Beethoven! Completely Asian. Their tiger moms must have been so proud.
Be good at math!
It’s a scientific fact that all Asians are good at math. So when there is an opportunity to use math in everyday life, make sure you are the one to calculate the restaurant tip or add up the grocery store bill. Babysitting kids? You’re the only one who can count to make sure they’re all there! Actually, these basic math skills are something you should be capable of regardless of race. (Just kidding, everyone else has calculators for that.)
Smile and nod!
Having such thin eyes means you have great peripheral vision but no vertical vision, so remember to keep moving your head up and down to see the entire world. In addition to the severe vertigo, this will give the impression that you are nodding and accepting everything that’s happening — as you should! The world is perfect. Racism is over. Keep nodding!