Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is kind of patient; love just needs to get in there for two seconds to brush love’s teeth. Sure, love guesses love could have gotten in there first, but you basically sprinted ahead of love. Yes, love is aware that spicy foods do not sit well with you. Love is fully aware. Love was a little too aware of that on the ride home, actually, BELIEVE love. Yes, love can be patient. Just, like, hurry it up, though.

Love does not envy, it does not boast; it is not proud. Love is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it’s just that there’s basically only one way these dishes have to go if you’re going to fit them all in, and love just happens to know that, because love is typically the one loading the dishwasher. Love isn’t saying you don’t do other things around the house, it’s just, like, this is typically love’s thing, and so, therefore, you know, maybe love has a pretty good idea of how to get all the dishes in. But hey, love does not keep a record of wrongs. Oh come on, not wrongs, love didn’t mean—look, love will maybe just set out a couple of those ant traps from Home Depot, just in case there are some dishes left out on the counter overnight. And… of COURSE we’re out of ant traps. Perfect.

FYI, love is not scooping that cat litter.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth, which is that Michael B. Jordan is definitely not related to the NBA’s Michael Jordan, and yes, love is positive, they look nothing alike, and love would think something like that would be a fairly big deal considering how famous they both are. The “B” does not stand for basketball, no. Love hears what you’re saying, but you can just google—you’re not even going to google it? Love agrees that it’s hard to prove a negative, but COME ON. Look, love is just saying this is a pretty weird hill to die on.

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. Oh, so now all of a sudden this is about love’s gambling?

And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is—see, what did love tell you, there are already ants on the counter. Love just killed, like, three of them. Unbelievable.