The concept of love languages was developed to analyze the ways in which we express and experience love. There were originally five of these languages — receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch — but recently, researchers have discovered a few more.
Like the old saying goes, “If fondness can’t wriggle its way through my two middle face holes, I’m just not feeling it.” Try romancing your smell love language partner by blindfolding them and wafting different suntan lotions under their nose.
Talking About Your Commute
There is an extremely high concentration of individuals with this love language in New York and LA. Going on and on about trains, or highways, or traffic, or “I think it took me 25 minutes last time, but this time it took 35 — weird” is the only way this group can show their sweetie they care.
Messed up grammar will mess up the hearts of folks who experience this love language. Show you care by intentionally misspeeling taxts to yuour sweeety.
This is every single person’s love language! Yum!
A Regular Dose of Gettin’ It On
Nothing nasty or newfangled here. If this is your primary love language, nothing says “I like you” like nice, straight-to-the-point sexin’ every few days.
Ever gone back to your place with someone who fished through your trash to find something to fix a frayed USB cord? Or dated someone who re-purposed a milk jug to create eco-friendly wine glasses for your anniversary dinner? It’s disgusting and nonsensical, but it’s your love language!
Deciding Where to Eat
Let your stressed-out partner know you’re for real by choosing a spot to eat. This is a love language that every single person desires, but almost no one can express. Looks like it’s frozen pizza again.
An Ancient Lost Tongue
This twisted and arcane language was last uttered by eldritch, unblinking, unsleeping gods millennia before man ever whimpered pathetically in the night. Each word of this primordial dialect drives men insane, forcing them to the very edge of a horror so unspeakable and sublime that most only know it as death. It is a language The Keepers thought to be banished but those who can understand it admit it does make them pretty dang horny.
Again?! Well, you can’t have just one can you? Tee hee… Yum!
Explaining How You Feel About Facebook
Some people can only express their love by unpromptedly exclaiming that they’re going to delete their Facebook, and for real this time. Studies show this can be hard to discern as a love language because it is insufferable.
Pointing Out the Good Dogs
This love language is also known as “Quality Good Boys.” Show your partner you love them by telling all the dogs you see that they’re “smart little misters” and interrupting conversations to point at any and all four-legged passersby.
Some people can only understand expressions of affection in German. Go figure!
Replying to But Not Liking Tweets
This is a dark and horrific way to express affection, but we must begrudgingly acknowledge it.
This is the number one love language among babies, we think. Newborns and infants haven’t “officially” been able to take the love languages test, but it’s pretty clear this is what they like.
Not to be confused with the original love language of gifts, this is simply about dropping dollars. Some people go wild when their honey buys anything — from a pack of gum to a motorized surfboard when they live in a landlocked state.
Letting People Know You’re an Empath
Some people show their love by letting people around them know how much they are deeply affected by others’ sad emotions. Because, yes, they are an empath. And, yes, they can sense you’re annoyed, so can you please stop feeling that way?
Oh yum! Not a lot of money going around for science these days, especially social science, so we have to get our funding where we can. Show you care about your partner (and science) by buying Pretzel Crisp-os… Pretty Yum!™