The ultrasound gel is going to feel a little chilly at first… there. Ah, I can see a head, and an antenna, and some webbed alien fins. It looks like the alien fetus inside of you is about 22 weeks along. As you know, there is no legal medical option at this point but to bring the extraterrestrial to full term, even though it is unlikely to be viable outside the womb, being a silicon-based life form that cannot respirate in our atmosphere. You may feel that you have been placed in a helpless position by the laws of this state, but I can assure you that other women who have been brave enough to carry their fetuses to full term after being impregnated by the laser beam of a visiting UFO have treasured their decision to bring their Martian offspring to full term inside a quarantined tank policed by HAZMAT officers. You’ll see. It’s the miracle of extraterrestrial life.

You may be concerned that carrying an alien life form with a radically different chemical makeup from your own presents a health risk. And that I won’t dispute. Nor will the AMA or NSA or ICE. Your womb could indeed dissolve like a tooth in a glass of coke after nine months of direct contact with an unstable element like radon. But there is no denying the gift of an alien life in the first place—no matter the race, creed, social class, radioactive qualities or distant galactic origin of its father.

You may feel abandoned by the being from outer space that visited Earth, snatched your body while you slept, impregnated you on its ship using technology humans have not yet developed, then flew back to the ULAS J1120+0641 quasar without providing for its progeny’s college tuition. Such is woman’s lot in life. But can you blame the limbless, electric entity inside of you, with its infant sonar antenna and baby gills, for being born? Remember, the state provides support for women placed in difficult situations like your own. Well, until welfare drug testing gets approved in the legislature, because that radon is going to be hard to hide.

There… listen to the heartbeat—a tiny carnivorous heart that requires morning and nightly feeds of mammalian skulls to keep beating inside its glowing green body, and daily brushing of the razor-sharp teeth around the gaping maw that provides a window into its torso. Who could deny that there is life at play? Hold on, it’s eating its own umbilical cord.

Before you go, we should discuss possible delivery complications due to the high-risk nature of this pregnancy. The most statistically significant complication is that the alien will emerge writhing from the center of your abdomen in a delivery room horror show, attacking the attending staff and contaminating the hospital before it can be induced down the birth canal with a mammalian skull speculum or forceps. In that event, I can assure you that technology in obstetrics is light years beyond what it used to be, if not as advanced as the worm-hole jumping species that brought us this treasure via the mothership on a windy June evening in the Sierras. For now, I’d like you to just think about how lucky you are, and maybe get to building a lightsaber. I’ll see you for another checkup in a couple of weeks.