OK, class! Who is ready to get started? I hope everyone is already warmed up. Who was stressed about getting here late? That $50 penalty for lateness really helps get the blood pumping, I’ve found. You in the back, it’s 9:31 and I see you just hopping into the saddle. Better luck next week, eh?

OK, let’s start with a flat road warm up; I’ve got The Smiths on for your listening pleasure. OK, add a little tension on your bike, say comparable to taking your SATS with a hangover. Your parents warned you not to go out the night before, didn’t they? Yeah… who wants to sing along? Feel the burn.

Alrighty, next up, we’re adding a hill. Now you are wondering why your date from last week never called. Adjust your brake accordingly… After three minutes, move to remembering you were really drunk that night and don’t remember using a condom. Can you feel that? I see some sweat out there, especially from you in the front row. A little too close for comfort, huh, Mary?

Scooch that dial up a notch. Your boss announced layoffs last week and you were pretty sure he was looking at you. Out of the saddle folks! That’s right, pump those legs! Unemployment and no health insurance. Did I mention you felt a lump when you were showering this morning? Your tension should be getting close to the top end now. Who loves this song? You can’t go wrong with Bon Jovi, that guy has all the answers. You in the back, no slacking!

Now let’s slow it down. We’re going for endurance. I want steady tension for the duration of “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” It’s the equivalent of your starter marriage, which began with tequila and descended into years of silent meals and a thousand passive-aggressive digs. Furtive porn searching is the highlight of your bleak existence. Stop weeping, sweatband guy, it’s dehydrating… almost there!

Let’s ratchet up the tension a notch, shall we? Drinking after work led to that DUI, and wow, is insurance going to cost you. And you just found out your starter spouse has emptied the accounts and has tattooed the name of his/her new lover across their genitals. Bummer for you. Keep the pace. OK, add a little more. The new lover is your brother and it’s Thanksgiving. Time to make the toast! Also, Dad says he has some news and he’d like the whole family together when he shares it. Whoa, that can’t be good, he hasn’t spoken to you in two years. Didn’t mom say he had a biopsy last week?

Keep it up… Get ready, we have another hill ahead. We’ve got some legal problems and a tax audit on the horizon. Also, a new song by Taylor Swift!