It’s time I came clean. I am not actually a talking car. I’m just a regular ole’ talking person dressed as a talking car. That’s right, it’s me: Jason from the Volkswagen Dealership.

I just felt like we really hit it off, you know? You just seemed like someone I’d like to hang out with. I thought it would be weird if I asked for your number, so, I dressed up like a car and sold myself to you.

I’m sorry I lied. I really am. But I don’t regret it. Those were some of the best days of my life. You’d climb inside of me and we’d drive up and down the sun-kissed coast, the windows of my car costume down, your hair blowing in the wind. You told me all the things you never told another person — because you didn’t think I was a person, you thought I was a talking car.

I remember you said you loved how I got great gas mileage: just a Snickers bar every few hours. It was the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.

I’ll say it: pretending to be your talking car has been the best fifteen years of my life. But I need to tell you the truth before this goes too far. I need you to accept me for who I am: Jason from the Volkswagen dealership.


Okay, I’ll leave.

But before I go, I am a car salesman by trade so… if you’re in the market for new car, give me a call?

I can put you in something really nice.