Hi Friend, Family Member, or Obligation,
You are cordially invited to our destination wedding. We’ve finally found somewhere that’s really special and unique: the Delaware-sized iceberg that just broke off the Larsen-C ice shelf in Antarctica. Here are the details!
Attached is a map that details the route to get there. You’ll take a $3500 flight to a bus to another plane to a man we hired to drive you across Larsen C in a van equipped with tire chains, to a helicopter, to a boat that’ll take you to the edge of the iceberg — wherever in the world it’s floated to that day — and then you’ll have to scale 625 feet until you reach the surface. Easy, right?
Don’t worry: to make this convenient for you, we booked a block of hotel rooms at an inn several hundred miles from the ‘berg. Even better, we got a discount on that block of rooms! We are generous. But you can only get the discount if you book in the next five days — eight months before our wedding on a broken-off slab of ice. If you don’t book in time for the discount, you’ll have to find another hotel in Antarctica, which we won’t help you with.
What to wear
This is a black-tie event. Men: bring your suits and whatever layers you need for the frozen tundra. Women: bring your fanciest dresses with no sleeves at all so you can freeze throughout the wedding as is customary, but especially on this ice shelf on which our wedding is taking place. Packing a silk shawl to wrap around your frigid body may be the only way to stave off death. But it’s going to be so FUN.
Please RSVP for both you and your guest who you should feel very obligated to bring. Goes without saying, but lock-down your plus-one now — no matter how hard it is to conceptualize what your relationship will be like with that person almost a year from now. Trust us, they’ll be excited to go on a trip, whoever they are. They won’t care that it’s in Antarctica or that they won’t know anyone at the wedding.
Anyway! We’re getting married on an iceberg! Share our excitement to distract yourself from the dread you feel now.
We will hire a babysitter, but we’re kind of hoping your kids won’t come. We want you to know this without expressly saying it. Elderly people who can’t make it to this ridiculously out-of-the-way location should feel pressured to give us the most gifts from our registry where the only things left are over $400 and will never be used. Here’s a link to our honeymoon fund. That’s right: we’re going to the actual Moon. Please donate what little money you have left to this. (We’ll notice if not.)
We couldn’t be more excited to spend this special day with all of you on a thick-ass floe in the middle of the sea, among our 600 guests on 1,408,000 acres of stark, bleak atmosphere in a land so quiet you’ll be able to hear your bones chattering. We love love. See you on the iceberg!