Q: Mr. 20—
2020: Please, Mr. 20 is my father. Call me Greg.
Q: Many observers have deemed you perhaps the worst Year ever. How do you respond?
2020: Totally unfair. There were some pretty bad Years before me. People forget that. Basically, every Year in the 1300s was crap. Nuclear bombs went off in 1945. In 2006, Crash won Best Picture.
Q: You oversaw an embarrassingly ill-fated impeachment trial, then killed Ahmaud Arbery for no reason. You burned off sizable chunks of California, Australia, and Brazil. You were the Year that the weight of manmade materials on Earth surpassed that of all living things combined. You had something called “murder hornets.”
2020: Your mom’s a murder hornet.
Q: She’s definitely not.
2020: [mocking, high-pitched voice] “Waaaah, she’s definitely not! Also, I pee the bed!”
Q: Wait, I never said—
2020: [Nine minutes of armpit farting]
Q: Even your harshest critics will concede that you were a groundbreaking Year when it comes to political controversy. You had police attacking protesters protesting police attacks. You showed us which weaponry goes with 38W x 26L flat-front khakis. In the world’s goatee-est episode of Homeland, you let gun-toting Michiganders take a break from using their hands as maps and flattening their “A” sounds to storm their state capitol and hatch a plot to kidnap their governor.
2020: Because of me, Michigan is the Florida of Canada.
Q: You were also an election Year in which American voters swapped out a president who is old enough to have attended legally segregated elementary schools with a president who is old enough to have attended legally segregated middle schools and is also a poorly dubbed cassette tape of Steve Miller Band’s Greatest Hits 1974-78 where you can hear a vacuum cleaner in the background of “Jet Airliner.” What would you say you’re most proud of?
2020: Ghost coke boat.
Q: Let’s take a minute to remember some of the people we lost during you.
2020: [Heavy sigh] Here we go.
Q: John le Carré. Chuck Yeager. Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Eddie Van Halen.
2020: Look, it’s not just one Year that kills someone; it’s all the Years combined. That’s how Time works.
Q: Alex Trebek. Bill Withers. Charles Portis. Chadwick Boseman.
2020: They lived for part of me, okay, it’s not like I killed them all on January 1. It wasn’t, like, my first act as the Present.
Q: Sean Connery. Fred Willard. Neal Peart. John Lewis.
2020: I noticed you’re not listing all the people I didn’t kill. What about the Murphy Brown lady? She seems like she’s doing alright.
Q: Candice Bergen?
2020: More like Candice BORING!
Q: You’re the one that brought her up!
2020: [Twelve more minutes of armpit farting]
Q: Let’s talk about the elephant in the room: the pandemic.
2020: [Exaggerated yawn]
Q: There have been over 80 million cases globally, with nearly 2 million dead. COVID has killed 1 in 1000 people in the US. Celebrations, family gatherings, funerals, all canceled. You trapped people at home and put millions out of work. The toll on the economy, as well as our public health, has been devastating.
2020: Are we about done here? I have some events to super-spread at.
2020: This isn’t my fault! COVID-19, okay? NINETEEN. I’ve been almost an entire Year, and not once — not one time — did you hear about anybody dying of COVID-20.
Q: That’s actually a fair point.
2020: Not yet, anyway.
Q: Excuse me?