At Manger Health Systems, we strive to provide you with the highest quality care when the inn is full and you need to give birth to the child of God. To accomplish that goal and not get smote by the Holy Father of the Baby, we rely on your feedback to let us know how we’re doing. We care deeply about your experience, although we are also required by law to record patient satisfaction scores in order to remain eligible for CaesarCare funding, which we care about more.
Please take a few minutes to complete the following survey and return the postage-paid scroll. In accordance with HIPPA and DONKEE, your responses will remain entirely confidential, although they may be displayed in the gospels and misquoted for millennia.
Name: Mary, Wife of Joseph
1. Rate your satisfaction with your angel, Gabriel:
⚪ Overcome with the glory of God
2. During your Annunciation appointment, how often did your angel explain the Good News in a way that you could understand?
⚪ Some of the time
⚫ Most of the time
⚪ Couldn’t hear over his horn
Comments: I had to wait an entire hour for my Annunciation, and then the actual appointment felt rushed. Gabriel couldn’t remember my name — it was right there on my records! Then he didn’t even ask if we wanted to find out the sex of Our Savior, he just blurted it out. This is a personal decision, and some parents might wish to be surprised about whether they are having a King of the Jews, or a Queen. Also, maybe tone down the six wings covered in blazing eyeballs thing? It’s not really how I pictured an angel.
1. Rate your satisfaction with the donkey that transported you to the Manger Health Mother-Baby Birthing Center:
Comments: My donkey had a very smooth gait and cute long ears. However, after delivery I received a bill stating that I was not enrolled in the City of Nazareth Emergency Service Membership, and that I was being charged $1,100 plus an additional $20 a mile, which added another $1,800. How was I supposed to have time to check whether I had the right donkey coverage when I was required to travel for the census with no notice AND my water had just broken??
1. Did you find your birthing stall was adequately cleaned and prepared with fresh hay?
2. During your stay at this manger, how often was the area around your stall noisy and smelling of manure?
⚪ Some of the time
⚪ Most of the time
⚫ Next level loud and stinky
3. Did your stall provide adequate space for squatting?
4. Were you satisfied with the pain relief options offered in your stall, such as screaming, screaming louder, and screaming while cursing the name of the baby’s Father Who Art In Heaven?
⚪ Not satisfied
⚪ Very satisfied
⚫ Didn’t need pain relief because I was born without original sin
Comments: Stall was a bit chilly. The hay was very prickly and gave Joseph a rash. I would urge Manger Birthing Center to switch to softer, organic hay? However, the provided shovel made it very easy to scoop out the Holy Afterbirth.
1. How soft were your sheep?
⚫ Like motorboating a cloud
⚪ Actually kind of itchy
2. When you pressed your call button, how promptly were you answered with braying, baaing, or mooing?
⚪ Not promptly
⚪ Somewhat promptly
⚪ Very promptly
⚫ Call buttons haven’t been invented yet
Comments: My sheep were very cute, especially the lambs. They did an excellent job licking Jesus’s face to clear his airways. However, I found their general obstetrical and neonatal knowledge lacking. And for farm animals, you would think they would offer better lactation consultant services. Disappointing.
Wise Men/Shepherd Services
1. How Wise were your Men?
⚪ Very Wise
⚪ Mensa level
⚫ Typical men — would have preferred Wise Women
2. Did the Shepherds adequately tend their flocks in a way that felt metaphorical of how your baby will one day tend to His followers?
⚪ Will inspire a thousand sermons
Comments: Shepherds were fine, but I just found out the Wise Men were part of some murder plot?? I can’t believe Manger Health didn’t do a more thorough background check before just letting these guys in. Also, the presents they brought Jesus were really strange. Gold could be a choking hazard, and the myrrh seemed regifted. Not sure what frankincense even is? You should consider more practical gifts, like a Diaper Genie.
Star of Bethlehem Telehealth Service
1. How was the visual quality of your Star telehealth video?
⚪ Like seeing the face of the Lord
⚪ Just a normal star
2. Did using the Star increase the quality of your nativity care experience?
⚪ Extremely holy vibes
Comment: I did not request the Star service and do not understand why I am being billed for this. I have called the Manger Health financial department only to be placed on hold for forty days. God created the entire Earth in less time than I’ve been trying to resolve this bill. I will absolutely be posting about this on FaceScroll and FrescoGram.
1. Would you choose Manger Health for a future delivery?
⚫ Staying a virgin and never giving birth again
Comment: Would recommend other moms deliver at Nazareth-Jewish Hospital instead. My cousin Elizabeth says they have great amenities. Like beds.