1. Float Tanks
Flotation therapy is the new big thing as evidenced by the number of float sessions available through Groupon. Crawling into a pod for 60 to 90 minutes and blissing out is shown to reduce stress, offer much-needed restorative rest, and enhance your body’s natural ability to heal. However, unmentioned by most is the incredible opportunity for one to completely lose it in an environment created exclusively to isolate an individual. Not only will your emotional breakdown be completely uninterrupted, but you will also only be strengthening the benefits of the soak, as the water buoying your body is already full of several hundred pounds worth of magnesium sulfate. It’s a win-win!
2. Lactation Rooms
These rooms are a goldmine for the woman going through the ravages of a messy breakup or experiencing a true existential crisis. Admittedly, these spots are only available for the first year after your child has been born (as dictated by United States law), but if you have given birth in the last twelve months—congratulations! Absolutely no one is going to walk in on you while you’re supposedly pumping breast milk. Feel free to let the tears fall with abandon.
3. Touchless Car Washes
While yes, we can admit that crying in cars is already a popular option, the only way you can truly go unseen is if your vehicle is fully encased from view and protected from unwarranted entry. If you need to squeeze out a quick sob sesh, investing $10 in an automated car wash is worth it. Simply put your car in neutral, take your hands off the steering wheel, and wail uncontrollably as triple foam wax drapes over your car and Rain-X is applied to your tires. Five minutes later, your car is sparkling and your mascara is ruined. It’s multi-tasking at its finest.
4. Examination Rooms
This option is best suited for a woman who is used to waiting. And really, which one of us isn’t? If an annual checkup is around the corner, save up your tears and schedule that appointment. You’ll have the best chance of maximizing your cry time if your doctor is extremely popular or works in an office that is wildly understaffed. Sure, you’ll need to keep a stiff upper lip as you wait out the first 30-45 minutes in the lobby, but once you’re led back to an examination room, you can rest assured you have at least another 20 minutes to yourself to weep openly. Bonus: There will always be tissues available.
5. Western Kansas
The only creatures who may see your snot glisten on your blouse as you push your emotional pain out through your face are the grazing cows, and they don’t give a damn about your feelings. No need to worry about seeing any humans—there is no wifi available anywhere in this part of the country. If utilizing this option, remember to apply sunscreen and insect repellent.