Maple-glazed turkey wet-brined in your own tears.

Classic rosemary turkey dry-brined with the salt that you wiped off your face after your tears dried.

Turkey coated with cranberry chutney to disguise the fact that you accidentally cried all over the turkey, and it was a gross, snotty cry.

Just pre-made Whole Foods Turkey, but the butcher cried on it and then you cried on it.

Spicy southwestern turkey, but kissed with the essence of your breath while you were hyperventilating and trying not to cry.

Turkey with extra-moist stuffing. Because you cried into it. Not because you used a slow-cooker (which is what you told everyone).

Back-up turkey that’s plain and dangerously undercooked, because you cried so hard while taking the first turkey out of the oven that you vomited on it just a little bit and it had to be thrown away.

Burned turkey that you left in the oven when you had to leave the house to go pick up trash or donate blood or do something to positively contribute to the world. Because otherwise you couldn’t stop crying on the turkey.