I hope this update finds you well. This is a trying and unique time for everyone, including mythical anthropomorphic rabbits. As you may have guessed, I have had to make some cautious but necessary changes to this year’s Easter routine. This will no doubt be trying for Easter Heads (that’s superfans of Easter, not Easter Island heads, with which I share no affiliation). But my team and I have drafted a plan that will make the best of an imperfect situation:
In previous years, you may have enjoyed visiting a public park or library to hunt for Easter eggs. This year, of course, that’s impossible, so I have developed the following system as a substitute: solo hunts. In a solo hunt, children will venture out into the wild with their family members staying at least six feet behind them. Eggs will be distributed at intervals of three miles throughout several underpopulated areas, such as the Mojave Desert and the Antarctic Ice Sheet. Response teams will be monitoring these areas via helicopter in case of emergency, though we recommend families come equipped with weapons in case a wild animal — of the non-anthropomorphic variety — is attracted to the eggs.
As you all know, I have a decades-long tradition of visiting the houses of children and leaving delicious sweets inside plastic eggs. Due to several grocery store shortages in the vicinity of my offices, we have been forced to improvise this year and develop creative substitutes for the normal chocolate kisses and jellybeans. We are instead distributing items that we feel will be of much greater use to you and your loved ones this year, including digital movie codes, bidets, nostalgic photographs of local restaurants when they were open, and Easter Basket Face Masks©. In addition, I have partnered with my manufacturers to develop plastic Easter eggs that double as soap dispensers, which we hope will be ready in time for Easter morning.
As the famous song goes, “Here comes Peter Cottontail / Hopping down the bunny trail.” I assure you that this will not be the case this year: rather than hopping down the bunny trail as per usual, I will instead be shuttled by car down several less frequented trails, so as not to come into contact with any nearby bunnies.
My staff and I are wearing latex gloves at all times while handling the eggs and materials that will enter your home. Additionally, it is not feasible this year to sneakily hide eggs throughout the house as you’ve come to expect. Instead, we ask every household to open one window, so that we can dump the eggs out of a bucket and into your home. Unfortunately, this means that the eggs, baskets, and ribbons will be haphazardly scattered throughout your living room, looking like a seasonally appropriate bomb went off while you slept. Also, your house will no doubt be very cold. I apologize for these inconveniences.
As you probably know, I have not been partaking in my usual shopping mall meet-and-greet tour. Instead, I will be holding several Zoom sessions. If this causes any frustration, I will just point out that it is not as if your children are missing something indispensable, like meeting Santa Claus; rather, their meet-and-greet with me, the Easter Bunny, will be only slightly more confusing and frightening to them than it already was in years past.
I will contact you if any of the above info changes, but regardless, this Easter will no doubt be strange for all of us. It is my sincerest hope that this time next year, a grotesquely large and inexplicably sentient rabbit will once again sneak into your homes and leave eggs to celebrate a religious messiah rising from the dead. You know, normalcy.