I’m losing my edge
Yeah, I’m losing my edge
To the younger dads
Whose footsteps I hear when they get on the decks
The backyard decks
To grill up burgers for the weekend cookouts
Yeah, I’m losing my edge
To all the Cross-fit dads
With no stray body hair
And with jobs
At cool-sounding app companies
And who are really, really nice
But I’m losing my edge
To the young dads
In straw boater hats
Who can knot a baby sling with one hand
And who can tell me the difference
Between craft brewing
And microbrewing
In detail that is impressive but also frankly a little bit intimidating
Yeah, I’m losing my edge
But I WAS THERE
I was there
I was the first dad to play Wilco to the soccer kids
I played it at the AYSO trophy presentation banquet
In 2011
Everybody thought I was crazy
I was there
At all the cool kid birthday parties
At Dave & Busters
I DJ’d at the first ever indoor trampoline party
I woke up naked
In a Chuck E.Cheese Ticket Blaster Booth
In 2013
I used to work at a Home Depot
I bought every grill ever made before anyone else
Weber, Char-Broil, Broil-King, Coleman, Saber Cast
Smoke Hollow, Uniflame
GRILL! SCOTT! HERON!
But I hear you’re throwing away your propane grill
And buying a sous vide immersion circulator
I hear you’re buying an Instant Pot
Because you want to make something real
You want to make carnitas
I hear that you have a compilation
Of every good yacht rock song ever done by anybody
Every Air Supply track
All the Steely Dan
I hear that you have a vinyl of every Doobie Brothers record on German import
I hear
That every dad you know
Is more relevant
Than every dad I know
Yeah, I’m losing my edge
And unfortunately my hearing as well
And goddamn I left my reading glasses in the car again
And while we’re on the subject
We’re never going to make good time tomorrow
Unless we’re on the road by 6:30 am