1. A Deer. Whether Dad’s a jerky lover or in need of a sacrificial offering, a deer is always a welcome gift. Be sure you’re getting your deer sourced locally and not accidentally hunting one from Artemis’ sacred grove. Better to go organic than get cursed by the Gods and have to sacrifice your eldest daughter.
2. A 1,000-Ship Fleet. Your father might be a King, but how often is he really celebrated? Personalize the gifft by having the crest of Agamemnon painted on their sails. Helen might be the face that launched 1,000 ships, but you’ll be the daughter who put them in port. Wind not included. (Sorry, Dad!)
3. Personalized Jewelry. Look, your father is a busy guy. He can forget things. But he’ll never misspell “Iphigenia” again when it’s engraved onto a sumptuous golden cuff. Anytime he sees your name, Dad will be haunted by his favorite daughter.
4. A Pair of Really Nice Boxers. Who doesn’t need new underwear? After all, he’s not in the Barbarian Horde.
5. An Ancestry.com Kit. What cousin married who/when or fed whose kid to what King? It’s all Greek to me! But Ancestry makes it easy to see where you conquered and why your sister/wife has cursed you.
6. Luxury Grilling Tools. Whether there’s an army to feed or he’s so hungry he could eat a minotaur, a man’s gotta eat. Freshly grilled grub might just keep his army from a rebellion for a few hours.
7. Ancient Scrolls From His Fav Prophet. Whether he’s into the classics or really digs the latest Calchus prophecies, he’ll love poring over these golden scrolls for the answer to why the winds have disappeared, stranding his fleet in Mycenae. Bonus: they double as stunning decor for his personal quarters.
8. Nectar of the Gods. He’ll feel like Zeus himself when he’s drinking a chalice of that heavenly ambrosia!
9. A Big Ol’ Fire. Prometheus stole it and now you can too! The perfect thing to stare into nightly and contemplate your atrocities.
10. A Thoughtful Card. Father’s Day isn’t just for over the top gifts. Sometimes a simple, heartfelt note thanking your father for arranging a marriage to Achilles and definitely not luring you to your death on the pretext of marriage to said Achilles is all you need.
11. Quality Time. A quiet afternoon walk with Dad to his favorite scenic outcrop can do the trick. Stare at his unmoving ships below and then look innocently into his eyes. You never know how much time you’ll have left with him.
12. A Pop-Up Altar. The perfect gift for the dad on the go and who occasionally has to make an impromptu sacrifice.
13. A Chef-Quality Knife. Massive and very sharp. Perfect for carving up meats, sacrificing daughters to restore the wind to your sails or whatever. Mostly meats!
14. Star Navigating Tech. If your father is an adventurous, conqueror type, this is a must. Troy is hundreds of miles away, but he’ll make the trip in record time with the help of star charts. Dad will be back so quick your mom will hardly have time to plot his murder.
15. Ken Burns’ The Vietnam War Miniseries. Ken Burns + Vietnam = Enough said!