The end is coming! Your impending doom and destruction is at hand. A shameful narrative of decadence will bring civilization to its knees, and God’s wrath shall mark the end of all humankind! Act now, because you only have a limited time to enjoy Roscoe’s Italian Eatery and Café.

Jesus is the light and the way! Repent! Repent! For the only path to salvation lies with Him. It was for the transgressions of all mankind that His wrists were skewered like a wooden, cellophane-tipped pick through two of Roscoe’s juicy beef patties, lettuce, tomato, onions, cheddar cheese, and a toasted sesame seed bun with a side of sweet potato fries cooked to crispy perfection.

You sodomites have no idea the hell to be visited upon you! Your heckling of Christ’s sacred covenant with man is a despicable affront to His Divine Grace. You make our Lord vomit blood with anger and grief, but never from Roscoe’s prices. Our generous $12.50 prix-fixed lunch special is a veritable bounty of heavenly manna. For an entrée, a side, and a drink, no reprobate can beat that deal in this neighborhood!

Your family will all burn in hellfire! For Christ came to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother. But what better place to take grandma for an early bird special than Roscoe’s? You don’t have much time left to partake in Roscoe’s down-home, family-style dining before the final judgment leaves your houses in ruin.

In my dreams, I see a world of ash and cinder. The Earth is a Boschian hellscape: the infernal hosts prepare the condemned for their interminable feast on the flesh of the unrepentant. I don’t know about the other guys, but Roscoe’s would be the last place you’d find serving human flesh after the Rapture. We just won’t do it!

Come to Roscoe’s, and may God have mercy on your soul!