Are you a disappointment to your family? Did you try to make up for it by agreeing to decorate the Christmas tree with your parents? Are you 35, yet your mother still micromanages you where to place the ornaments? Does she hold up the little clay dog you made when you were 8, and mention how you were so naturally talented then? Do you try to make a joke about peaking young, to which your mom nods meaningfully and says, “I’m sure you’ll figure it out. I always said you can do whatever you want if you just put your mind to it”? If so, what you need is a Down Weeping Pillow to silently catch your tears when you retire alone to your childhood bedroom. The delicate feathers will absorb your warm, salty, unrealized dreams, as you quietly sob so your parents don’t hear.
Is your alcoholic Uncle Eddie coming to Christmas? Will he once again take three servings of stuffing and yell that Trump is the only hope against those deep-state-libtards trying to ruin the country with PC culture? Did he say the words, “I have a right to bear arms! It’s in the constitution! Look it up!”? Before dinner, did you drink an entire bottle of wine in the garage to calm down, but are now drunkenly yelling across the dinner table that Uncle Eddie is a fucking idiot? Pack a robust Microbead Weeping Pillow in your suitcase. When you finally tuck into the pull-out-couch-bed and nestle into your mom’s Christmas tree flannel sheets, the tiny beads of unexpanded polystyrene in your new Weeping Pillow will effectively muffle your drunken screams of frustration and absorb all righteous tears.
Are you vegan now? Prepare for the rolling eyes and cold tofu served with a side of shame by investing in an organic Buckwheat Weeping Pillow. You’re vegan and your pillow should be too. Replay your Aunt Martha’s, “Well then what CAN you eat, dear?” over and over while you cry into your new pillow’s surprisingly absorbent buckwheat hulls.
Did your husband just give you a Christmas present that you expected to be a heart necklace but is actually a Joni Mitchell CD? Do you realize in that moment, on Christmas morning, that he gave the necklace to a hot minx he works with instead of to you, his wife and mother of his children? Wait… are you Emma Thompson in Love Actually? You are Emma-fucking-Thompson!? You don’t need a weeping pillow because you can cry quickly and silently while standing in your bedroom, wipe away your gorgeous tears with one tissue, straighten a blanket on your bed, and then not even ruin the holidays for your kids. You’re Emma Thompson at Christmas — incredible!
Is your family so dysfunctional that celebrating a holiday with them plunges you into a depression that lasts through February? Look, this year won’t be any better. We understand. If you have to go the family event, talk to your doctor, and then invest in a Full-Body Weeping Pillow. This pillow can go the distance through several months of seasonal depression. As you isolate yourself more and more, it eventually will become a surrograte human, so go ahead and cry on your new fluffy friend’s shoulder. And if one end gets soaked with tears, you can just flip it and start fresh. Can’t do that with a real person!
Is weeping not really your thing? Are you more into violence when you get shamed/angry/hurt/frustrated? Don’t despair (please). We recommend a nice Memory Foam Weeping/Beating Pillow. Although less absorbent than our other recommendations, you can still weep into it as needed. However, the pillow really shines when punched. The slowly filling indentation of your fist-print is both a target for your next punch and a visual representation of your strength. The flesh color of the foam can help you envision the face of the person you wish you were slugging (not that we’re recommending this, but it is a viable option should you need it.) The pillow will silence your punches nicely so you won’t wake the children in the next room. No damage to anyone! The pillow can take it!