If you’ve been following the fire signals, you know it’s been a BIG ONE for me, King Priam, the kids (especially Cassandra, Hector, and Paris) and the entire country of Troy. I won’t bore you with the details (you’ll be able to hear all about it when The Iliad hits your local oral storytellers next year), but I did want to mention that after Priam got Hector’s body back following his murder by Achilles, we had a beautiful funeral at the house. We were truly touched by how many of you turned up to lament and rend your clothing with us. Community is everything.
Hello, dear friends, Icarus and I are taking a big leap — literally! We’re jumping off this tower in Crete and moving to Sicily. It seems like just yesterday that Icarus and I were imprisoned in this tower here by King Minos. I guess time flies when you’re wondering about your complicity in the seven young Athenian boys and girls sacrificed to the Minotaur each year in the labyrinth you built.
As close friends know, I’m a bit of a tinkerer, so I built wings out of feathers and wax I had lying around. Icarus is a bit nervous since this will be his first time outside ever, but I’m confident those nerves will melt away as soon as he sees the sun.
Sea you all next year!
Hi there from the ‘mother of all monsters.’ I love my kids but they can truly be terrors sometimes — I get it!
Quick updates on just a few of my little darlings:
- Cerberus continues to be Hades’ favorite hellhound, excelling at guarding the Underworld and turning would-be visitors into stone with one look (let’s be real: he has three faces only a momma could love).
- Medusa “lost her head” over a little Greek warrior named Perseus. They’re currently traveling the world together, turning people into stone. Even decapitated, this is really shaping up to be Medusa’s year!
- Our sweet Chimera continues to pave his own path outside of Greece by terrorizing all of Asia Minor. We jokingly call him the black lion/goat/snake/sheep of the family!
If you happen to swing by the Underworld or one of my little monsters sends you here, make sure to swing by and say hi.
Hello and Season’s (which I control) Greetings!
If it’s winter, then you know that my darling daughter Persephone is back ruling over the Underworld with my son-in-law/brother, Hades. Sorry for the despairing, cold weather everyone, I just never pictured my daughter meeting her husband through a kidnapping on a chariot led by dead horses. But I’m so proud of her when I’m not weeping uncontrollably or causing worldwide famines. I’ll be spending the holiday solo, finding new ways to turn the fruits and vegetables I control into pure alcohol.
Happy Holidays to all our family and friends! All is well on Mount Olympus, where I’ve been busy as Queen and Protector of Women (but only the ones that I like — inside joke).
As you all know, because we won’t shut up about it, Zeus and I have been trying this whole open marriage thing. I made the reasonable rule that he could be with other people if he were not a human. So far he’s been a bull, a swan, an eagle, and even a bunch of gold light. I didn’t know light beams had reproductive organs, but an open marriage teaches you something new every day! I’m very cool with this, but if I see any of those other women or children, I’ll kill them… just kidding.
Speaking of, Zeus and I are expecting a beautiful baby soon. At least I hope it’s beautiful. Otherwise, I’ll have to throw the baby off a cliff (aka “pull another Hephaestus," I’m so bad).
Agamemnon has had a lot of father-daughter bonding time with Iphigenia during the decade of war over in Troy. Apparently, some bad storms have been delaying his return (I think Aggie just wants more boys time), and he joked about how he and the crew might have to ‘sacrificially burn Iphigenia to appease the gods.’ Ugh, I hate his dad jokes so much sometimes I think I could just murder him in cold blood.
Stay dry, y’all.
Rhea and I hope this letter finds you well. It still feels surreal to say, but recently I was promoted to King of the Titans (all of you) and God of Time. Boy, the standards for being King of the Gods sure have fallen, haven’t they? Who died and made me King, right? I guess it was my father, Uranus, who I castrated with a sickle my mother gave me. Fun fact: his blood and semen created most of the life on this planet. Neat, huh? All kidding aside, I’ve really been enjoying the position and my additional responsibilities like making war with the Giants, torturing primitive humans, and managing a team.
In other news: Rhea and I are expecting again. I know what you’re thinking: Will I eat this baby just like I ate our other five bundles of joy so that he won’t kill and castrate me like I killed and castrated my dad? Only (the God of) time will tell ;).”
A lot of you have been asking me how my husband/son Oedipus and I will be ‘celebrating’ this holiday season. STOP ASKING.